Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Pick Me! Pick Me!

Think back..... WAAAAAAAAAAY back..... to when you were in school. Remember p.e. class? Remember those games where you had to "pick teams"? Maybe you were athletic and always one of the first chosen. Or, maybe you were like me--- clutzy, not at all athletic. I remember dreading being called LAST to join the team (or even worse, NOT being chosen and getting "stuck" on a team!)

It hurts to be the last one chosen. Why? Rejection. No one likes it. Rejection HURTS. Even if no one says it, to be picked last meant that you WEREN'T ANY GOOD and no one wanted to accept the "liability" of having you on their team.

As a teenager and as an adult, I've experienced a different kind of rejection. It hurts more than being chosen last for a kickball team.

I'm in my late 30's and have never been married. I've never really even had a serious relationship. I've barely even been out on dates. Why? I've been "picked" last. There is something "wrong" with me that would make me a liability to a relationship. Now, before you try to argue that point with me..... stop. I'm just stating facts.

There is something un-dateable about me. I truly have no idea what. I could list all of my negative qualities, but we all have SOMETHING in our lives that aren't perfect! I'm quiet, very reserved, don't make friends easily. I'm "fluffy" and aren't exactly the most beautiful; but I have good qualities too...... I guess those just don't show up as easily. I'm smart. I'm creative and funny. I love to do things for others. I'm a hard worker. I guess those things don't come across though.

I never know how to meet people. Most of my friends are married and have been so for many years. They don't know single people my age. I work with mostly women. I just don't know where to meet someone (and if I did meet someone, I sure wouldn't know how to communicate!)Over the years, I have tried different online dating sites. I've even paid money to have a membership, rather than just "creep". It's always been the same...... very few were ever interested. Or, they would seem to be interested and then I would never hear from them again as soon as they saw my photo (I'm not THAT ugly! I DON'T break cameras or anything!) Or, they would chat with me but then suddenly stop (and I would have no idea why!) Now, please don't argue that "they don't know what they are missing".... cause the common denominator in this equation is me........ something is wrong with me.

I cannot express how hurtful it is to once again be passed over. It's hard to get your hopes up that MAYBE this time will be different. After rejection, it is doubly hard to get my nerves up to try again. I often joke that God is going to have to cause someone to fall from the sky with a sign around his neck saying, "This is the One. Love, God"

I fear being lonely. I am so scared that one day my parents will not be around anymore and I will be completely alone. Yes, I have friends, but they have their own families, their own responsibilities. I am terrified that my biggest desire to have a mate and hopefully a family will never come to be. I'm scared to grow old and alone.

I have to be honest...... I see people who always seem to have a date, or a boyfriend, or a husband and I get jealous. I want that so bad for myself. It has gotten to the point that it is hard to even be happy for someone else..... because my heart longs so greatly for what they have.

For years, I have prayed about this. To be honest, I'm mad at God because of it. I don't understand why I have to wait. Or why He won't take this desire away from me. I don't know what to do to get over the anger, the hurt, the rejection. I don't understand why I have to continue to wait. What if His answer is for me to wait more? What if having a husband is never part of His plan for my life? What do I do then? How do I learn to accept what He has in store for me?

I have a heavy heart when it comes to relationships. Maybe someone else has felt the same. I just know how weary I am of rejection. How much I'm ready to give up on the hope of a family.

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