From 2016 to now, my past has hurt.....
1. My dad (and I've ALWAYS been a daddy's girl) was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He decided on surgery to make the quality of the life he had left better. He was also trying to prevent losing all his sight. He was on blood thinner and had to go off for ten days. In those ten days, I feared that he would have a stroke and I would lose him. Surgery was in April. Radiation started in May. In June, he had been given a clean bill of health. By July, the tumor was back. Hospice was called in August. In October, he required a hospital bed and was completely blind. He passed away on the 17th. He was (and still is) my role model. In many ways, I grieve him more now than I did that first year. I'm so thankful for the godly man he was and the years he was with me.
2. My marriage was falling apart. My ex-husband was one of the most fun, kindest people I knew. Unless he was drinking. During the time of my father's illness, I taught kindergarten Monday-Friday and went on the weekends to my parent's house to cook and clean and free my mom up to take care of my dad. Sometimes my ex went with me. Other times he chose to stay home (which usually resulted in a drinking binge). My parents didn't know at the time of his drinking. I couldn't burden them with that. After my dad died, my ex went on a downhill spiral. He was emotionally and verbally abusive, left the marriage 4 times (to later apologize and come back). We went to pastoral counseling. We went to professional counseling. He took medication to try to stop drinking. We went to AA meetings. Two wrecks later, a night in jail, and becoming homeless, he decided to stop even trying to quit. That was the moment the marriage was over. By August 2017, the divorce was final and I returned to my maiden name.
3. I was struggling in my career. 2017-2018 and 2018-2019 were exceptionally stressful years in my classroom. I had two students who both needed lots of redirection and extra attention. Both took all my time full-time. In that year, we have multiple medication adjustments which results in major behavioral melt downs. I also had seven daily criers almost all year. Between losing my dad, grieving the loss of my marriage and this, I was mentally spent. I had to spend some time in counseling and even required some anxiety/depression medication to help me even out. Even now I tend to go overboard and be a little too "extra" to try to convince myself that I'm a good teacher.
Naturally, as humans, we go through tough times. We live in an imperfect world. We all have times of sorrow and grief. We all have moments where we just feel completely spent and unsure how to continue. We all have questions and seek direction for our lives. In my case, I didn't always seek directions from God. I let my circumstances out weigh my faith. For a few years, I refused to go to church. I became a different person. That is still a battle that I have to face. The enemy knows my weaknesses and I fall for it.
You see, I've always been shy. Large groups of people were called a "no thank you" to me. I've just never had the type of personality that attracts others. I would rather hide in the shadows, hoping that someone would notice me. I was awkward towards others and too scared that I would make a fool of myself. Secretly I longed to be more outgoing, to join in on the fun, but I never did. I let fear talk me out of making an effort every time. After my tough years, my shyness and aversion to people became even worse. Going to church, or to a restaurant, or practically anywhere was a struggle because I was scared to go on my own. I didn't want to stand out as a "party of one".
Many people might be surprised by my words. I can come up with funny/sarcastic comments easily. I can seem outgoing on social media. I can play the part as needed in social situations. I can even pose as a professional educator and talk to the parents with some amount of authority! Ask me something about school and I can talk for hours! That's because even though I am shy, I am NOT quiet. In small group settings or one-on-one, I can be such a talker. I can make small talk like a pro! All that is superficial though. It was rare for me to be comfortable enough around another to let them see the true me--- the hurting me---- the worried me----- the grieving me------- the shy person longing to be noticed.
I've written all that to come to my point- it's time that I change my life. I can be my own worst critic and be too hard on myself at times, but I'm not talking about that. I need to change my life in a way that I cannot. My life change will require help. The majority of that help will have to come from Jesus. He can empower me to do and be things I could never on my own. (paraphrase Philippians 4:13). HE is who I will have to turn to and depend on. However, I can use help from others as well. I need accountability. I need encouragement. I also need people who have the courage to speak with me honestly when I screw up. (That part is inevitable---- I mean, have you MET me?)
"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17 (NIV)
"Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as in fact you are doing." 1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV)
"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him- a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9--12 (ESV)
"Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another." Ephesians 4:25 (NASB)
"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2 (NIV)
"Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much." James 5:16 (NASB)
"My dear friends, if you know people who have wandered off from God's truth, don't write them off. Go after them. Get them back and you will have rescued precious lives from destruction and prevented an epidemic of wandering away from God." James 5:19-20 (The Message)
So, I've thought of my goals-- and the changes I must make in order to meet those goals.These are all things I need to make in my life (not in any particular order).
1. Take my physical and mental health seriously. I am a potato, of the couch variety. I stay busy and seem like the energizer bunny at times, but when I crash, I crash hard. I must be more diligent in exercising and taking care of my health. After all, how can I ever be of help and service to anyone else when I can't even get out of bed? Or when I'm so exhausted that I make poor choices?
2. Become active and present in church. I love my church. Church of the Highlands has made a huge difference in my life. It is big. And it's easy to get lost in the crowd. It's so easy not to get involved, not to join a small group or to serve others. That has to change. I love the main campus. It is my favorite for sure, but is it my favorite because I can just be an observer? The time I served on Events team, Hospitality team, or helped in Highlands Kids---- I miss that. Maybe it is time for me to step out in faith and make changes to make those connections I desperately need.
3. Put down my phone and read. I love reading. During the school year, I read hundreds of books to my class. I used to love to read on my own time. I have noticed though that more and more I have become more and more dependent on my phone and games and social media, rather than reading. I struggle getting to sleep at a reasonable time because I'm so attached to my phone. It's time to put the phone away and get back to reading. While I won't promise to always read "Christian" books (there are too many other series and genres that I love), I definitely need to start there. I recently started a Lysa TerKeurst book. I'm going slow--- trying to mediate on the words as I read them.
4. Maintain positivity. I am SO QUICK to become frustrated and just want to quit. I'm really bad about becoming negative when things are harder than I prefer. I complain. I whine. I gripe. I sound like one of my kindergartners who have been told "no". As a way of trying to combat this, I am choosing to listen to lots of worship music. I'm hoping this will help to recenter me when I become stressed or frustrated or discouraged.
Those are my main goals. While I always have what
seems like a million goals for school and teaching, those I am much more likely to complete without encouragement.
So to anyone who is still reading, thank you. Just knowing there are people that know my goals is already a form of accountability. If you feel lead, please feel free to be an accountability partner for me! I'm asking for prayer that I will be able to work on these areas (with God's help). Anything more than prayer is just gravy: texts, messages, etc. encouraging me or calling me out when I need it.
"Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead. I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God's heavenly call in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14
"With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26
"He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless." Isaiah 40:29
"You'll never change your life until you change something you do daily." John C. Maxwell
