Sunday, October 9, 2011

Don't Worry--- Be Happy

Worry- to agonize and meditate on things you have no control over, to be anxious for something that may (or may not) happen in your life

I worry. I know that I shouldn't, but I do. God tells us,

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?" Luke 12:22-26

All of my life, I have been very quiet and reserved. I do not open up easily to anyone. I've battled depression most of my life, seen therapists on and off when things got tough, and have taken anti-depressants as needed. I also tend to be controlling, wanting things to follow a pre-determined plan and panic/have anxiety when those things don't follow the plan. I have Adult ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and that affects my ability to not only relate to other people but it bogs me down in my own thoughts, flitting back and forth from one topic to another, while getting "stuck" in my own head time and time again. As a result, I tend to get overwhelmed in large group settings. I tend to be "overlooked" and become invisible. Lately, I have been going through a season of depression. I'm unhappy in my job, in my church, even with friends. I find myself regretting choices I have made that have forced me to break out of my shell. Maybe I have done too much...... maybe I didn't observe God's timing....... maybe it's just me. I find myself becoming so sensitive about things and taking stuff way to personally. I get frustrated when people say, "Oh you are just under attack. You need to trust God." Or, "you just need to get over this." If it were that simple, don't you think I would have done that a long time ago? Trust me, living life in a state of constant "overwhelmedness" is not fun. I also get frustrated when people think I can just "snap out of it"...... I've had to deal with this all my life.... I wish I could find something that worked!

Right now, I'm wanting to just withdraw from everyone. I want to crawl into a little hole and just retreat. I want to give up even trying to do something different and just try to survive.

I get frustrated and jealous of other people who seem to so easily make connections with other people, who never meet a stranger, who always have faith. I wish so badly that I could be that way just once..... but that's not me.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore..... and it frustrates the crap out of me! :(