I have a heavy heart tonight.
I want to be a mom. For a while I thought I was o.k. if that desire never came true.... but I'm not. It is so disheartening to know that the opportunity probably will never arise and if it does, I may never be able to conceive.
Many of you know that eight years ago (ish) I was diagnosed with type II diabetes. (I always have to think about the students in my class the year I was diagnosed then count forward to the grade they are in now to see how long it has been. When I was first diagnosed, I was faithful to take my medicine, check my blood sugar, etc. but soon I began to skip it. The medicine I had to take for diabetes made me constantly nausious and sick to my stomach... plus, most of the time the medicine did not seem to help.
About three years after my diabetes diagnosis, my blood sugar could not get under control, so I was referred to see an endocrimologist. It was here where I received the news that still haunts me..... along with many other health issues, I have PCOS. For those of you who have never heard of it, PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome) causes infertility. My doctor recommened that if I had any plans to have children, I better go ahead and do it. No problem, right? PROBLEM... at the time I was single, not dating anyone, with no prospectives to date. Also, because of my personal beliefs, I knew that I didn't want to go find a random guy to have a baby with..... (I couldn't have afforded one anyway!)
One and a half years ago, I had gastric banding surgery. My weight was out of control, I was unhealthy, and I knew that losing weight was my only chance of ever controlling my sleep apnea, my diabetes, my thyroid, and my PCOS. It was my "shot" at having the life I have always wanted. I went through all the classes, attended the support groups, had everything lined up... fasted for two weeks before surgery (not a problem!), had the surgery and initially lost 35 pounds. My dreams of a better me were coming true!
But then the weight loss slowed...... then stopped.... then the weight began coming back on. Of the 35 pounds I lost, I have regained 15. I have been sicker now than ever before. The list of foods that I can't eat (because they make me throw up) is longer than the list of foods that I can. In fact, there is not a single food that I can successfully eat every time!
I tell you all of this to say that I have had to come to grips with the fact that I will probably never be a Mom. It isn't easy. I work with children every day. I work with them at church every Sunday. Being around them causes me physical pain because of my strong desire for a child.
Please don't tell me, "you can adopt". I've thought of that.... 37 years ago my parents adopted me! But I know that they had to wait a long time for a baby. And at the same time, I'm not sure that I could be a single parent (and Daddy must be hiding somewhere!). I have no immediate family near me, I'm the only income this child would have (and I'm a horrible money manager!) Besides, agencies are looking mostly for stable, two-parent homes for children. My best bet for a child would be to marry someone who already has children (but since I don't date nor do I even know single men my age, that's kind of tough!) Anyway, being a stepmother (evil or not) would be tough and I just don't know if I'm strong enough for that.
My prayer since I was about 16 was that:
a) I would become a Proverbs 31 woman... a woman who pleased God
b) God would send me a husband..... I didn't date much in high school, thinking I would meet someone in college, then after college....... 20 years have passed and I still don't date (by choice--- just not mine)
c) God would let me have a family of my own
d) If my prayers/desires weren't what He had in store for me, that He would change them....
That's been the hardest part. My desire for a family has not lessened.... in fact it has grown stronger the more time I spend with friends who have children! (Always the babysitter, never the mommy)
I just don't know what to do with my emotions though. In my head I know God promises that He will give me the desires of my heart. I know that through Him, all things are possible. My head knows these things...... I just wish that my heart would catch up. I've reached the point that I can't be around young children....it is too painful seeing my greatest longing and knowing it isn't happening. I have a friend who she and her husband are going through the adoption screening process right now in hopes that they might be able to adopt..... I want so badly to be happy for them! But I can't help feeling, "why not me?" Why can't I find a husband and try for a baby?
I have to say that I feel like damaged goods. I've always had self worth issues (never pretty enough, smart enough, outgoing enough, etc.).... these are lies from the devil. I know that the Bible says that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made". But I feel, who would ever want me? I'm no Christian Barbie (I would like to point out that SHE is made of PLASTIC!).... I don't have the outgoing, fun personality of some, and now? I can't even promise a child! Who would want me? Once again, those are LIES from the devil. How do I keep myself remembering that?
I don't want encouragement that "oh, you'll have a child some day" cause no one but God knows that..... besides, at 37 I'm thinking that ship has sailed! I need to know how to deal with the disappointment. Short of changing careers and stop serving in church, I'm going to have to work with children. How do I get past the longing for one of my own?
No one but God can answer my prayers. He alone can change my heart and my desires to match up with His plan for me...... I just wish He would hurry! (but I've never been very patient!)
LORD, Heal my heart. Take away the bitterness I feel towards people who have what I want. Help me to be grateful for what you HAVE blessed me with! Open my ears, Lord so that I will listen and obey when You speak Your plan for me.