Monday, July 25, 2011

So Long Dreams,....

Dreams...... things that you hope for, wish for, long for. Dreams are good.... they can motivate you to take the steps necessary to make them come true. Dreams can also be bad.... they can distract you from the "now".... but at what point (if ever) should you give up on dreams?

It's hard to realize that some of the things you desire most (or your strongest dreams) probably aren't going to happen. I want to know why.... I want to know what is wrong with me that these dreams aren't right for me..... I want the pain of this realization to go away. I want hope that something better is out there for me. I want to know that another dream will replace the old ones.

I've felt incredibly lonely lately, but I've not been by myself. On the contrary, I've probably stepped out of my comfort zone more lately than I have in a long time when it comes to spending time with other people. I have been lonely in a crowd. This happens to me a lot. Surrounded by people having a great time talking and laughing and I sit (or stand) there like an awkward pre-teen, socially inept.

It is times like these that it is hard to rely on my faith in God. I know in my head the promises He has made.... "will never leave me nor forsake me" (Deuteronomy 31:8)...... "the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:9)....."I know the plans I have for you... to prosper you and not to harm you... plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11-13)..."cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you" (Psalm 55:22)....."you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble" (Psalm 59:16).......... the Bible is full of promises that God has made to his people. My head knows these promises but my heart is broken.

I am the type of person to unwrap gifts then re-wrap them at Christmas. I read the last pages of a book to make sure it turns out right.... in other words, I'm not good at waiting! I hate surprises! I'm a planner.... I want to know the timeline of my life and whether my dreams come true. I wish I knew if my dreams would ever be fulfilled. But then again, am I ready if the answer would be no?

I hate to admit it, but it has gotten harder to be around my friends whose lives seem to be working out. If they have something that I dream of, I get jealous. I don't want to be around them, it is just too painful. That makes me a horrible friend! Rather than be happy for them or encouraging, I shrink away, lost in my own hurt. I wish I knew how to get over this.

So I struggle. Mostly alone because others don't want to hear my pity-party. Friends and well-wishers try to encourage me, "just trust in God" "it will happen when you least expect it" "stay busy serving God" "when you don't focus on it so much it will happen"...... the problem is, I can't seem to lose focus!

I covet your prayers..... I've prayed for years and yet here I still am. Please pray that God will change my dreams and desires if they are not what he has in store for me. Pastor Chris just finished a mini-series about Doors-Finding God's Will. Pray that God will shut doors while others are blown open.

Lord, Help me to wait for Your timing. Help my jealous spirit that I can encourage and rejoice with others when good things happen to them. Help me to continue to believe in Your promises, even when my heart breaks with longing. Amen.

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