Worry- to agonize and meditate on things you have no control over, to be anxious for something that may (or may not) happen in your life
I worry. I know that I shouldn't, but I do. God tells us,
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?" Luke 12:22-26
All of my life, I have been very quiet and reserved. I do not open up easily to anyone. I've battled depression most of my life, seen therapists on and off when things got tough, and have taken anti-depressants as needed. I also tend to be controlling, wanting things to follow a pre-determined plan and panic/have anxiety when those things don't follow the plan. I have Adult ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and that affects my ability to not only relate to other people but it bogs me down in my own thoughts, flitting back and forth from one topic to another, while getting "stuck" in my own head time and time again. As a result, I tend to get overwhelmed in large group settings. I tend to be "overlooked" and become invisible. Lately, I have been going through a season of depression. I'm unhappy in my job, in my church, even with friends. I find myself regretting choices I have made that have forced me to break out of my shell. Maybe I have done too much...... maybe I didn't observe God's timing....... maybe it's just me. I find myself becoming so sensitive about things and taking stuff way to personally. I get frustrated when people say, "Oh you are just under attack. You need to trust God." Or, "you just need to get over this." If it were that simple, don't you think I would have done that a long time ago? Trust me, living life in a state of constant "overwhelmedness" is not fun. I also get frustrated when people think I can just "snap out of it"...... I've had to deal with this all my life.... I wish I could find something that worked!
Right now, I'm wanting to just withdraw from everyone. I want to crawl into a little hole and just retreat. I want to give up even trying to do something different and just try to survive.
I get frustrated and jealous of other people who seem to so easily make connections with other people, who never meet a stranger, who always have faith. I wish so badly that I could be that way just once..... but that's not me.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore..... and it frustrates the crap out of me! :(
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Tug of War
Ever feel like you are in a tug of war? I've felt that way at work lately. For those of you who know what I did before teaching third grade, I'm sure you find this hilarious! "We told you so!"
As a teacher, I have had to learn how to balance my own personal beliefs about education with the "greater good". I've had to change how I teach certain skills. I've had to follow an increasingly stricter pace. I've had to chart and graph more data than I ever cared to! I've had to stay "on schedule" not only with my grade level, but also my whole district. And I have to tell you...... I don't care for it one bit!
At what point is it still about the good of the children? This year especially I have wondered that. I don't have an issue with the curriculum I'm using.... in fact, I like our reading and language arts series! I've finally figured out how I need to best teach math! Science and social studies? Well.... I'm still working on those. Not to brag, but I'm (or I used to be!) a good teacher. I enjoyed taking time for "teachable moments" and leading students in how to be good thinkers and reasoners.
However, now I feel as though I am a robot. "You...... must..... stay...... on....... pace........" "You....... must....... document......... every.......... word....... said........ by........ the.......students......" "Don't........ think......... for.......... yourself........."
Granted, these are exaggerations, but they are not that far from the truth! I have grown weary of never having enough time to teach my students. We never have enough time to practice skills before we have to assess. I'm tired of all the forms and paperwork. I'm tired of "easier" solutions that just make my life more complicated.
For example, Today........
my day started with a impromptu conference with my boss, an irrate letter from a parent, using my "extra instructional time" to call the disgruntled parent, thus leaving my students reading quietly in the hall while I used the phone. Once we got settled back into the room, it was time to leave again for a bathroom break so that we could be on schedule when the exceptional education teacher comes into our room to work with a student. (Let's not forget two of my students being taken for extra reading help then me panicing at the bathroom because I've lost two kids!) Two hours of reading instruction and practice (I STILL can't meet with every group in a day like I need to!) Time to break for lunch, then bathroom, and reading aloud from our chapter book (while students furiously try to finish any morning work they couldn't work on because they were sitting in the hall!). After our read aloud, quickly cram spelling and grammar down the students' throats.... introduce cursive writing... but, wait! It's time to leave again to go to p.e.! 40 minutes of "planning time" (HA!) for me as I furiously answer emails, put papers and notes in student mailboxes, go to the restroom (if I'm lucky), try to actually SEE my desk instead of the stacks of papers on top of it! P.E. is over, ANOTHER bathroom break, daily calendar, math warm up, review rounding.... but, SURPRISE!!!! time to leave AGAIN to go to the library! Come back from the library, work on a math test (another student leaves to see the OT) but then have to stop in the middle because it is time to pack up to go home...... get everyone in the right spot and the day is OVER!!!! (of course, then i stayed to help with tutoring, but that's another story!)
And I wonder why I feel as though I am being pulled in all directions! The saddest part? that is a "typical" (or as close to typical as I can get) day. These are the days that I hate my job because I feel as though I can't DO my job anymore. :(
So many of us have a tug of war in our own lives. Maybe, like me, it is your work life. Maybe your family has activities every day! Maybe it is your "free" time (do any of us really have free time anymore?) But we all struggle to accomplish all our goals in one or more areas of our life. I don't know about you, but when I feel pulled, I only stretch so far........... at some point, I either give in or fall apart.
So...... how do we keep from giving in? How do we keep from falling apart? For me, I find that when I am at my "rope's end" (get it? tug of war? rope's end?) it is usually because I took too much on myself. I had unrealistic expectations of what I wanted to do, or get done, or wanted things to be. In other words, I became so detail oriented, that I lost sight of the "main thing". In work, my main thing is- to prepare my students to be successful in third grade, but also to be prepared for their future education. In life our main thing should be to "love God and love others" (Matthew 22:36-40)
That's a great lesson, but I gotta be honest, sometimes I need more. Sometimes, I just need REST. I was in need of rest last weekend. Sometimes I just need to get away from my stress and rest...... mentally....... physically......... emotionally............. REST.
God promises us rest.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon yu and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
"He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul." Psalm 23:2-3a
"The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace." Psalm 29:11
I need rest. I need to be reminded that God provides rest. I can't let my rope (life) be pulled so long that I break. I need to be smart and learn when I need to lay my rope down and walk away. Rest, so that I can pick my rope back up another day.
Lord, Help me not to become so overwhelmed with daily life. Help me to keep my rope steady, not allowing it to be pulled in different directions. Help me to remember my focus (You). Give me rest when I am weary. Give me the wisdom to know when I need rest. Amen.
As a teacher, I have had to learn how to balance my own personal beliefs about education with the "greater good". I've had to change how I teach certain skills. I've had to follow an increasingly stricter pace. I've had to chart and graph more data than I ever cared to! I've had to stay "on schedule" not only with my grade level, but also my whole district. And I have to tell you...... I don't care for it one bit!
At what point is it still about the good of the children? This year especially I have wondered that. I don't have an issue with the curriculum I'm using.... in fact, I like our reading and language arts series! I've finally figured out how I need to best teach math! Science and social studies? Well.... I'm still working on those. Not to brag, but I'm (or I used to be!) a good teacher. I enjoyed taking time for "teachable moments" and leading students in how to be good thinkers and reasoners.
However, now I feel as though I am a robot. "You...... must..... stay...... on....... pace........" "You....... must....... document......... every.......... word....... said........ by........ the.......students......" "Don't........ think......... for.......... yourself........."
Granted, these are exaggerations, but they are not that far from the truth! I have grown weary of never having enough time to teach my students. We never have enough time to practice skills before we have to assess. I'm tired of all the forms and paperwork. I'm tired of "easier" solutions that just make my life more complicated.
For example, Today........
my day started with a impromptu conference with my boss, an irrate letter from a parent, using my "extra instructional time" to call the disgruntled parent, thus leaving my students reading quietly in the hall while I used the phone. Once we got settled back into the room, it was time to leave again for a bathroom break so that we could be on schedule when the exceptional education teacher comes into our room to work with a student. (Let's not forget two of my students being taken for extra reading help then me panicing at the bathroom because I've lost two kids!) Two hours of reading instruction and practice (I STILL can't meet with every group in a day like I need to!) Time to break for lunch, then bathroom, and reading aloud from our chapter book (while students furiously try to finish any morning work they couldn't work on because they were sitting in the hall!). After our read aloud, quickly cram spelling and grammar down the students' throats.... introduce cursive writing... but, wait! It's time to leave again to go to p.e.! 40 minutes of "planning time" (HA!) for me as I furiously answer emails, put papers and notes in student mailboxes, go to the restroom (if I'm lucky), try to actually SEE my desk instead of the stacks of papers on top of it! P.E. is over, ANOTHER bathroom break, daily calendar, math warm up, review rounding.... but, SURPRISE!!!! time to leave AGAIN to go to the library! Come back from the library, work on a math test (another student leaves to see the OT) but then have to stop in the middle because it is time to pack up to go home...... get everyone in the right spot and the day is OVER!!!! (of course, then i stayed to help with tutoring, but that's another story!)
And I wonder why I feel as though I am being pulled in all directions! The saddest part? that is a "typical" (or as close to typical as I can get) day. These are the days that I hate my job because I feel as though I can't DO my job anymore. :(
So many of us have a tug of war in our own lives. Maybe, like me, it is your work life. Maybe your family has activities every day! Maybe it is your "free" time (do any of us really have free time anymore?) But we all struggle to accomplish all our goals in one or more areas of our life. I don't know about you, but when I feel pulled, I only stretch so far........... at some point, I either give in or fall apart.
So...... how do we keep from giving in? How do we keep from falling apart? For me, I find that when I am at my "rope's end" (get it? tug of war? rope's end?) it is usually because I took too much on myself. I had unrealistic expectations of what I wanted to do, or get done, or wanted things to be. In other words, I became so detail oriented, that I lost sight of the "main thing". In work, my main thing is- to prepare my students to be successful in third grade, but also to be prepared for their future education. In life our main thing should be to "love God and love others" (Matthew 22:36-40)
That's a great lesson, but I gotta be honest, sometimes I need more. Sometimes, I just need REST. I was in need of rest last weekend. Sometimes I just need to get away from my stress and rest...... mentally....... physically......... emotionally............. REST.
God promises us rest.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon yu and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
"He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul." Psalm 23:2-3a
"The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace." Psalm 29:11
I need rest. I need to be reminded that God provides rest. I can't let my rope (life) be pulled so long that I break. I need to be smart and learn when I need to lay my rope down and walk away. Rest, so that I can pick my rope back up another day.
Lord, Help me not to become so overwhelmed with daily life. Help me to keep my rope steady, not allowing it to be pulled in different directions. Help me to remember my focus (You). Give me rest when I am weary. Give me the wisdom to know when I need rest. Amen.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Mommy Dearest
I have a heavy heart tonight.
I want to be a mom. For a while I thought I was o.k. if that desire never came true.... but I'm not. It is so disheartening to know that the opportunity probably will never arise and if it does, I may never be able to conceive.
Many of you know that eight years ago (ish) I was diagnosed with type II diabetes. (I always have to think about the students in my class the year I was diagnosed then count forward to the grade they are in now to see how long it has been. When I was first diagnosed, I was faithful to take my medicine, check my blood sugar, etc. but soon I began to skip it. The medicine I had to take for diabetes made me constantly nausious and sick to my stomach... plus, most of the time the medicine did not seem to help.
About three years after my diabetes diagnosis, my blood sugar could not get under control, so I was referred to see an endocrimologist. It was here where I received the news that still haunts me..... along with many other health issues, I have PCOS. For those of you who have never heard of it, PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome) causes infertility. My doctor recommened that if I had any plans to have children, I better go ahead and do it. No problem, right? PROBLEM... at the time I was single, not dating anyone, with no prospectives to date. Also, because of my personal beliefs, I knew that I didn't want to go find a random guy to have a baby with..... (I couldn't have afforded one anyway!)
One and a half years ago, I had gastric banding surgery. My weight was out of control, I was unhealthy, and I knew that losing weight was my only chance of ever controlling my sleep apnea, my diabetes, my thyroid, and my PCOS. It was my "shot" at having the life I have always wanted. I went through all the classes, attended the support groups, had everything lined up... fasted for two weeks before surgery (not a problem!), had the surgery and initially lost 35 pounds. My dreams of a better me were coming true!
But then the weight loss slowed...... then stopped.... then the weight began coming back on. Of the 35 pounds I lost, I have regained 15. I have been sicker now than ever before. The list of foods that I can't eat (because they make me throw up) is longer than the list of foods that I can. In fact, there is not a single food that I can successfully eat every time!
I tell you all of this to say that I have had to come to grips with the fact that I will probably never be a Mom. It isn't easy. I work with children every day. I work with them at church every Sunday. Being around them causes me physical pain because of my strong desire for a child.
Please don't tell me, "you can adopt". I've thought of that.... 37 years ago my parents adopted me! But I know that they had to wait a long time for a baby. And at the same time, I'm not sure that I could be a single parent (and Daddy must be hiding somewhere!). I have no immediate family near me, I'm the only income this child would have (and I'm a horrible money manager!) Besides, agencies are looking mostly for stable, two-parent homes for children. My best bet for a child would be to marry someone who already has children (but since I don't date nor do I even know single men my age, that's kind of tough!) Anyway, being a stepmother (evil or not) would be tough and I just don't know if I'm strong enough for that.
My prayer since I was about 16 was that:
a) I would become a Proverbs 31 woman... a woman who pleased God
b) God would send me a husband..... I didn't date much in high school, thinking I would meet someone in college, then after college....... 20 years have passed and I still don't date (by choice--- just not mine)
c) God would let me have a family of my own
d) If my prayers/desires weren't what He had in store for me, that He would change them....
That's been the hardest part. My desire for a family has not lessened.... in fact it has grown stronger the more time I spend with friends who have children! (Always the babysitter, never the mommy)
I just don't know what to do with my emotions though. In my head I know God promises that He will give me the desires of my heart. I know that through Him, all things are possible. My head knows these things...... I just wish that my heart would catch up. I've reached the point that I can't be around young children....it is too painful seeing my greatest longing and knowing it isn't happening. I have a friend who she and her husband are going through the adoption screening process right now in hopes that they might be able to adopt..... I want so badly to be happy for them! But I can't help feeling, "why not me?" Why can't I find a husband and try for a baby?
I have to say that I feel like damaged goods. I've always had self worth issues (never pretty enough, smart enough, outgoing enough, etc.).... these are lies from the devil. I know that the Bible says that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made". But I feel, who would ever want me? I'm no Christian Barbie (I would like to point out that SHE is made of PLASTIC!).... I don't have the outgoing, fun personality of some, and now? I can't even promise a child! Who would want me? Once again, those are LIES from the devil. How do I keep myself remembering that?
I don't want encouragement that "oh, you'll have a child some day" cause no one but God knows that..... besides, at 37 I'm thinking that ship has sailed! I need to know how to deal with the disappointment. Short of changing careers and stop serving in church, I'm going to have to work with children. How do I get past the longing for one of my own?
No one but God can answer my prayers. He alone can change my heart and my desires to match up with His plan for me...... I just wish He would hurry! (but I've never been very patient!)
LORD, Heal my heart. Take away the bitterness I feel towards people who have what I want. Help me to be grateful for what you HAVE blessed me with! Open my ears, Lord so that I will listen and obey when You speak Your plan for me.
I want to be a mom. For a while I thought I was o.k. if that desire never came true.... but I'm not. It is so disheartening to know that the opportunity probably will never arise and if it does, I may never be able to conceive.
Many of you know that eight years ago (ish) I was diagnosed with type II diabetes. (I always have to think about the students in my class the year I was diagnosed then count forward to the grade they are in now to see how long it has been. When I was first diagnosed, I was faithful to take my medicine, check my blood sugar, etc. but soon I began to skip it. The medicine I had to take for diabetes made me constantly nausious and sick to my stomach... plus, most of the time the medicine did not seem to help.
About three years after my diabetes diagnosis, my blood sugar could not get under control, so I was referred to see an endocrimologist. It was here where I received the news that still haunts me..... along with many other health issues, I have PCOS. For those of you who have never heard of it, PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome) causes infertility. My doctor recommened that if I had any plans to have children, I better go ahead and do it. No problem, right? PROBLEM... at the time I was single, not dating anyone, with no prospectives to date. Also, because of my personal beliefs, I knew that I didn't want to go find a random guy to have a baby with..... (I couldn't have afforded one anyway!)
One and a half years ago, I had gastric banding surgery. My weight was out of control, I was unhealthy, and I knew that losing weight was my only chance of ever controlling my sleep apnea, my diabetes, my thyroid, and my PCOS. It was my "shot" at having the life I have always wanted. I went through all the classes, attended the support groups, had everything lined up... fasted for two weeks before surgery (not a problem!), had the surgery and initially lost 35 pounds. My dreams of a better me were coming true!
But then the weight loss slowed...... then stopped.... then the weight began coming back on. Of the 35 pounds I lost, I have regained 15. I have been sicker now than ever before. The list of foods that I can't eat (because they make me throw up) is longer than the list of foods that I can. In fact, there is not a single food that I can successfully eat every time!
I tell you all of this to say that I have had to come to grips with the fact that I will probably never be a Mom. It isn't easy. I work with children every day. I work with them at church every Sunday. Being around them causes me physical pain because of my strong desire for a child.
Please don't tell me, "you can adopt". I've thought of that.... 37 years ago my parents adopted me! But I know that they had to wait a long time for a baby. And at the same time, I'm not sure that I could be a single parent (and Daddy must be hiding somewhere!). I have no immediate family near me, I'm the only income this child would have (and I'm a horrible money manager!) Besides, agencies are looking mostly for stable, two-parent homes for children. My best bet for a child would be to marry someone who already has children (but since I don't date nor do I even know single men my age, that's kind of tough!) Anyway, being a stepmother (evil or not) would be tough and I just don't know if I'm strong enough for that.
My prayer since I was about 16 was that:
a) I would become a Proverbs 31 woman... a woman who pleased God
b) God would send me a husband..... I didn't date much in high school, thinking I would meet someone in college, then after college....... 20 years have passed and I still don't date (by choice--- just not mine)
c) God would let me have a family of my own
d) If my prayers/desires weren't what He had in store for me, that He would change them....
That's been the hardest part. My desire for a family has not lessened.... in fact it has grown stronger the more time I spend with friends who have children! (Always the babysitter, never the mommy)
I just don't know what to do with my emotions though. In my head I know God promises that He will give me the desires of my heart. I know that through Him, all things are possible. My head knows these things...... I just wish that my heart would catch up. I've reached the point that I can't be around young children....it is too painful seeing my greatest longing and knowing it isn't happening. I have a friend who she and her husband are going through the adoption screening process right now in hopes that they might be able to adopt..... I want so badly to be happy for them! But I can't help feeling, "why not me?" Why can't I find a husband and try for a baby?
I have to say that I feel like damaged goods. I've always had self worth issues (never pretty enough, smart enough, outgoing enough, etc.).... these are lies from the devil. I know that the Bible says that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made". But I feel, who would ever want me? I'm no Christian Barbie (I would like to point out that SHE is made of PLASTIC!).... I don't have the outgoing, fun personality of some, and now? I can't even promise a child! Who would want me? Once again, those are LIES from the devil. How do I keep myself remembering that?
I don't want encouragement that "oh, you'll have a child some day" cause no one but God knows that..... besides, at 37 I'm thinking that ship has sailed! I need to know how to deal with the disappointment. Short of changing careers and stop serving in church, I'm going to have to work with children. How do I get past the longing for one of my own?
No one but God can answer my prayers. He alone can change my heart and my desires to match up with His plan for me...... I just wish He would hurry! (but I've never been very patient!)
LORD, Heal my heart. Take away the bitterness I feel towards people who have what I want. Help me to be grateful for what you HAVE blessed me with! Open my ears, Lord so that I will listen and obey when You speak Your plan for me.
Monday, July 25, 2011
So Long Dreams,....
Dreams...... things that you hope for, wish for, long for. Dreams are good.... they can motivate you to take the steps necessary to make them come true. Dreams can also be bad.... they can distract you from the "now".... but at what point (if ever) should you give up on dreams?
It's hard to realize that some of the things you desire most (or your strongest dreams) probably aren't going to happen. I want to know why.... I want to know what is wrong with me that these dreams aren't right for me..... I want the pain of this realization to go away. I want hope that something better is out there for me. I want to know that another dream will replace the old ones.
I've felt incredibly lonely lately, but I've not been by myself. On the contrary, I've probably stepped out of my comfort zone more lately than I have in a long time when it comes to spending time with other people. I have been lonely in a crowd. This happens to me a lot. Surrounded by people having a great time talking and laughing and I sit (or stand) there like an awkward pre-teen, socially inept.
It is times like these that it is hard to rely on my faith in God. I know in my head the promises He has made.... "will never leave me nor forsake me" (Deuteronomy 31:8)...... "the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:9)....."I know the plans I have for you... to prosper you and not to harm you... plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11-13)..."cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you" (Psalm 55:22)....."you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble" (Psalm 59:16).......... the Bible is full of promises that God has made to his people. My head knows these promises but my heart is broken.
I am the type of person to unwrap gifts then re-wrap them at Christmas. I read the last pages of a book to make sure it turns out right.... in other words, I'm not good at waiting! I hate surprises! I'm a planner.... I want to know the timeline of my life and whether my dreams come true. I wish I knew if my dreams would ever be fulfilled. But then again, am I ready if the answer would be no?
I hate to admit it, but it has gotten harder to be around my friends whose lives seem to be working out. If they have something that I dream of, I get jealous. I don't want to be around them, it is just too painful. That makes me a horrible friend! Rather than be happy for them or encouraging, I shrink away, lost in my own hurt. I wish I knew how to get over this.
So I struggle. Mostly alone because others don't want to hear my pity-party. Friends and well-wishers try to encourage me, "just trust in God" "it will happen when you least expect it" "stay busy serving God" "when you don't focus on it so much it will happen"...... the problem is, I can't seem to lose focus!
I covet your prayers..... I've prayed for years and yet here I still am. Please pray that God will change my dreams and desires if they are not what he has in store for me. Pastor Chris just finished a mini-series about Doors-Finding God's Will. Pray that God will shut doors while others are blown open.
Lord, Help me to wait for Your timing. Help my jealous spirit that I can encourage and rejoice with others when good things happen to them. Help me to continue to believe in Your promises, even when my heart breaks with longing. Amen.
It's hard to realize that some of the things you desire most (or your strongest dreams) probably aren't going to happen. I want to know why.... I want to know what is wrong with me that these dreams aren't right for me..... I want the pain of this realization to go away. I want hope that something better is out there for me. I want to know that another dream will replace the old ones.
I've felt incredibly lonely lately, but I've not been by myself. On the contrary, I've probably stepped out of my comfort zone more lately than I have in a long time when it comes to spending time with other people. I have been lonely in a crowd. This happens to me a lot. Surrounded by people having a great time talking and laughing and I sit (or stand) there like an awkward pre-teen, socially inept.
It is times like these that it is hard to rely on my faith in God. I know in my head the promises He has made.... "will never leave me nor forsake me" (Deuteronomy 31:8)...... "the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:9)....."I know the plans I have for you... to prosper you and not to harm you... plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11-13)..."cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you" (Psalm 55:22)....."you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble" (Psalm 59:16).......... the Bible is full of promises that God has made to his people. My head knows these promises but my heart is broken.
I am the type of person to unwrap gifts then re-wrap them at Christmas. I read the last pages of a book to make sure it turns out right.... in other words, I'm not good at waiting! I hate surprises! I'm a planner.... I want to know the timeline of my life and whether my dreams come true. I wish I knew if my dreams would ever be fulfilled. But then again, am I ready if the answer would be no?
I hate to admit it, but it has gotten harder to be around my friends whose lives seem to be working out. If they have something that I dream of, I get jealous. I don't want to be around them, it is just too painful. That makes me a horrible friend! Rather than be happy for them or encouraging, I shrink away, lost in my own hurt. I wish I knew how to get over this.
So I struggle. Mostly alone because others don't want to hear my pity-party. Friends and well-wishers try to encourage me, "just trust in God" "it will happen when you least expect it" "stay busy serving God" "when you don't focus on it so much it will happen"...... the problem is, I can't seem to lose focus!
I covet your prayers..... I've prayed for years and yet here I still am. Please pray that God will change my dreams and desires if they are not what he has in store for me. Pastor Chris just finished a mini-series about Doors-Finding God's Will. Pray that God will shut doors while others are blown open.
Lord, Help me to wait for Your timing. Help my jealous spirit that I can encourage and rejoice with others when good things happen to them. Help me to continue to believe in Your promises, even when my heart breaks with longing. Amen.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Small Groups-- Social Club or Support Group?
In high school, I joined lots of clubs--- Spanish Honor Society, Junior Civitans.... I was in the youth group, helped the band..... all things social..... wanting a group of friends (which I got).
In college, I did the same thing---- I became a member of Baptist Campus Ministries, looked for a church with an active college ministry...... still wanting a group of friends, a place to belong. As an adult, it has become harder to find that group of friends...... I have my "old" friends (that I have known since childhood), my "work" friends that I see almost daily and even spend some time with outside of work.
I know that the best place to find a group of friends who have similar beliefs and morals is at church. However, it has been difficult to find that group. At my childhood church, that group was a Sunday School class. In my current church, it is a small group.
Core group, small group, Sunday School class..... lots of churches use different titles but ultimately these groups are meant to help Christians grow spiritually.
"Let us not give up the habit of meeting together, as some are doing. Instead, let us encourage each other." Hebrews 10:25 (GN)
"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying hte favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." Acts 2:42-47
I've been attending "Growth Track" through my church.... tonight's lesson was on how to grow as a Christian..... it spoke about small groups and it made me think..... the apostles in Acts spent time together, they studied together, prayed, met each other's needs...... I want a group like that!
Tonight, I learned that small groups are supposed to provide opportunities for: Bible study, fellowship, communion, prayer, support, praise and worship, and outreach (based on the Acts verses posted above). If even one of these elements is missing in the group, then it is not fulfilling its purpose. If a small group is only interested in fellowship or having fun, then they are a social club, not a support system. If they never spend time studying the Bible, worshipping, and praying together, then they are not being effective. On the other hand, if they only spend time in Bible study and never make the time to fellowship and have fun then they can't develop true relationships either. There has to be a balance of all these things.
As a shy, quiet person in large, unfamiliar settings, it is hard to truly get to know someone. It takes time. It takes trust. It usually (for me, anyway) takes a pre-existing connection with someone in the group. Then slowly, I will come out of my shell. This contributes to why I've had a hard time finding my group. There have been very few people that I can say are my "small group" (a.k.a. support system).
This is my prayer..... God will help me to develop my relationships with other people. I pray that I can be a support for someone else..... I know that this will take time and also require me to step out of my own comforts occassionally. It may even require me to take a role of a leader rather than an observer or spectator (terrifying thought!) I have truly enjoyed the group where God has led me to...... now I must take it to the next level! I cannot be content with just meeting for church service, or in hanging out and having fun.... I must make a conscious effort to grow and help others to grow.
Lord, help me to find the right small group. Help me to overcome my own insecurities in order to be blessed and be a blessing. Help me to live out John 13:34-35, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." Help me to remember that I am not called to only be part of a social club, rather I am to be a part of a support system. Help me to be a true friend. Amen.
In college, I did the same thing---- I became a member of Baptist Campus Ministries, looked for a church with an active college ministry...... still wanting a group of friends, a place to belong. As an adult, it has become harder to find that group of friends...... I have my "old" friends (that I have known since childhood), my "work" friends that I see almost daily and even spend some time with outside of work.
I know that the best place to find a group of friends who have similar beliefs and morals is at church. However, it has been difficult to find that group. At my childhood church, that group was a Sunday School class. In my current church, it is a small group.
Core group, small group, Sunday School class..... lots of churches use different titles but ultimately these groups are meant to help Christians grow spiritually.
"Let us not give up the habit of meeting together, as some are doing. Instead, let us encourage each other." Hebrews 10:25 (GN)
"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying hte favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." Acts 2:42-47
I've been attending "Growth Track" through my church.... tonight's lesson was on how to grow as a Christian..... it spoke about small groups and it made me think..... the apostles in Acts spent time together, they studied together, prayed, met each other's needs...... I want a group like that!
Tonight, I learned that small groups are supposed to provide opportunities for: Bible study, fellowship, communion, prayer, support, praise and worship, and outreach (based on the Acts verses posted above). If even one of these elements is missing in the group, then it is not fulfilling its purpose. If a small group is only interested in fellowship or having fun, then they are a social club, not a support system. If they never spend time studying the Bible, worshipping, and praying together, then they are not being effective. On the other hand, if they only spend time in Bible study and never make the time to fellowship and have fun then they can't develop true relationships either. There has to be a balance of all these things.
As a shy, quiet person in large, unfamiliar settings, it is hard to truly get to know someone. It takes time. It takes trust. It usually (for me, anyway) takes a pre-existing connection with someone in the group. Then slowly, I will come out of my shell. This contributes to why I've had a hard time finding my group. There have been very few people that I can say are my "small group" (a.k.a. support system).
This is my prayer..... God will help me to develop my relationships with other people. I pray that I can be a support for someone else..... I know that this will take time and also require me to step out of my own comforts occassionally. It may even require me to take a role of a leader rather than an observer or spectator (terrifying thought!) I have truly enjoyed the group where God has led me to...... now I must take it to the next level! I cannot be content with just meeting for church service, or in hanging out and having fun.... I must make a conscious effort to grow and help others to grow.
Lord, help me to find the right small group. Help me to overcome my own insecurities in order to be blessed and be a blessing. Help me to live out John 13:34-35, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." Help me to remember that I am not called to only be part of a social club, rather I am to be a part of a support system. Help me to be a true friend. Amen.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Watch Out! Don't Trip!
I have always been a klutz.... up until the age of about eight, I spent at least one night a year in the emergency room! Broken bones, a split open ear, passing out, hitting my head, all sorts of crazy things! It got the point that I'm sure we were recognized at the hospital! Most of my accidents were because I did not pay attention and then tripped or lost my balance.
At school, I see lots of "accidents". You know what I'm talking about.... "I accidently put my foot out and he fell"..... "I didn't mean to trip her"...... "my foot slipped"...... all of the excuses children give when they cause someone to trip, fall, or get hurt. (Trust me, with 8 and 9 year olds.... there are LOTS of excuses!)
As Christians, we are commanded not only to keep ourselves upright (and not trip and fall down) but we are also commanded not to cause anyone ELSE to trip.
"Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak." I Corinthians 8:9
"Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall." I Corinthians 8:13
"Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks, or the church of God-" I Corinthians 10:32
We (as Christians) are held to a higher standard. It is our responsibility to show God's love, mercy, and redemption plan by our words and our actions. People watch us.... some to discover what we have that is different....... some to "catch" us in sin. We have to pay close attention to how we appear to those who do not have a personal relationship with Jesus. We cannot live by the world's standards...... we must live by God's standards.
I have a tendency to see things in very concrete ways.... things are black or white, right or wrong..... there is very little gray area...... the Bible gives us guidance on those "big things" that are right or wrong, however many of the "little things" are open for interpretation. That's where the Holy Spirit guides us.
Most Christians agree on the "big things".... don't murder (duh!), read the Bible, pray, don't do drugs, etc. However, many unsaved people also agree with these big things.....
It is the "little things" that give us problems. (I've struggled with my own beliefs in these areas as well!) Is it acceptable to drink alcohol as long as you do not become "drunk"? Is it okay to tell a "white lie" to spare someone's feelings? What about spending lots of time alone (at his/her appartment) with a special friend, as long as you don't "do anything"? It is these questions and others like them that are just as important as the "big" things. How Christians respond to these questions is what should set us apart from unbelievers.
My belief is that if we as Christians do something that may cause another to say, "Why are they doing that? I thought they believed in Jesus" then I have no business doing it. That's not to say that I want to live my life trying to please others (because I will never be able to do that!)..... I just want people to understand where I stand and why.... I want to live a life that is pleasing to God.
I Thessalonians 2:4 "On the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please men, but God, who tests our hearts."
I Thessalonians 4:7 "For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life."
I Thessalonians 4:11-12 "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody."
I don't know about you, but I struggle with this calling. Yes, I am a Christian. Yes, I have been forgiven of my past sins. However, I still have a free will. I am still a sinner.... I am prideful, I want my own way, I am still tempted by sin. I want desperately to please God but on my own, I can't. So what can I do? I can PRAY TO GOD that He will enable me to live a pleasing life, a life that could build someone up rather than cause them to stumble.
I Thessalonians 3:13 "May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones."
Lord, Help me to live a life that is pleasing to You. Help me to show an example of Your love and plan to those who do not already know You. Show me areas in my life that have caused others to trip and stumble. Forgive me for those areas and help me to change my example. Provide me with Christian friends who can keep me accountable for my actions. I love You. Amen.
At school, I see lots of "accidents". You know what I'm talking about.... "I accidently put my foot out and he fell"..... "I didn't mean to trip her"...... "my foot slipped"...... all of the excuses children give when they cause someone to trip, fall, or get hurt. (Trust me, with 8 and 9 year olds.... there are LOTS of excuses!)
As Christians, we are commanded not only to keep ourselves upright (and not trip and fall down) but we are also commanded not to cause anyone ELSE to trip.
"Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak." I Corinthians 8:9
"Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall." I Corinthians 8:13
"Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks, or the church of God-" I Corinthians 10:32
We (as Christians) are held to a higher standard. It is our responsibility to show God's love, mercy, and redemption plan by our words and our actions. People watch us.... some to discover what we have that is different....... some to "catch" us in sin. We have to pay close attention to how we appear to those who do not have a personal relationship with Jesus. We cannot live by the world's standards...... we must live by God's standards.
I have a tendency to see things in very concrete ways.... things are black or white, right or wrong..... there is very little gray area...... the Bible gives us guidance on those "big things" that are right or wrong, however many of the "little things" are open for interpretation. That's where the Holy Spirit guides us.
Most Christians agree on the "big things".... don't murder (duh!), read the Bible, pray, don't do drugs, etc. However, many unsaved people also agree with these big things.....
It is the "little things" that give us problems. (I've struggled with my own beliefs in these areas as well!) Is it acceptable to drink alcohol as long as you do not become "drunk"? Is it okay to tell a "white lie" to spare someone's feelings? What about spending lots of time alone (at his/her appartment) with a special friend, as long as you don't "do anything"? It is these questions and others like them that are just as important as the "big" things. How Christians respond to these questions is what should set us apart from unbelievers.
My belief is that if we as Christians do something that may cause another to say, "Why are they doing that? I thought they believed in Jesus" then I have no business doing it. That's not to say that I want to live my life trying to please others (because I will never be able to do that!)..... I just want people to understand where I stand and why.... I want to live a life that is pleasing to God.
I Thessalonians 2:4 "On the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please men, but God, who tests our hearts."
I Thessalonians 4:7 "For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life."
I Thessalonians 4:11-12 "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody."
I don't know about you, but I struggle with this calling. Yes, I am a Christian. Yes, I have been forgiven of my past sins. However, I still have a free will. I am still a sinner.... I am prideful, I want my own way, I am still tempted by sin. I want desperately to please God but on my own, I can't. So what can I do? I can PRAY TO GOD that He will enable me to live a pleasing life, a life that could build someone up rather than cause them to stumble.
I Thessalonians 3:13 "May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones."
Lord, Help me to live a life that is pleasing to You. Help me to show an example of Your love and plan to those who do not already know You. Show me areas in my life that have caused others to trip and stumble. Forgive me for those areas and help me to change my example. Provide me with Christian friends who can keep me accountable for my actions. I love You. Amen.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Don't Leave Me!
Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." (NIV)
Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Philippians 4:6a "Do not be anxious (worry) about anything,"
I have always been afraid of abandonment. As a baby, I was given up for adoption. While growing up, I was always afraid of being "left behind". As an adult, I see all my friends getting married, having children, moving away...... all things that cause me to feel as though I was abandoned. My parents even moved away when they retired, thus the feelings of abandonment happened once again.
I have even distanced myself (consciously or subconsciously I don't know) from people when I sensed that their lives were changing in such a way that would "abandon" me. I always told myself that "they were too busy" or that "they don't need me taking up their time". Time after time I've done this.... friends in high school, college, family members.... all because they couldn't always be my friend when I wanted them to be.
These fears of abandonment are not true. While it is true that life changes (and people's lives change over time) that doesn't mean that I can't still be a part of that life. People will let you down (intentionally or not). They can't always cater to my every need or whim. Nor can I do the same to them.
However, when I feel abandoned, God is still with me..... He commands me not to fear because He will always be with me! Even when my friends can't help me, God can! Even when I feel alone, God is with me!
At the same time, I cannot compare myself to what others have and then use those "haves" to feel worse about myself. Just because we aren't the same, doesn't mean that we can't be friends and support each other. Just because we are in different seasons of life, doesn't mean we can't enjoy each other and have things in common. I have to remember that God has a purpose for me during this time in my life, just like he has a purpose for my friend who may be in a different situation.
Lord, help me to remember that You will never leave me. You are my strong foundation. You are my provider. Through You, I can do all things. Help me to remember that I am Your child and that You care for me. Help me not to be envious of what others have. Help me to be used for good according to Your plan. Teach me to be content. Amen.
Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Philippians 4:6a "Do not be anxious (worry) about anything,"
I have always been afraid of abandonment. As a baby, I was given up for adoption. While growing up, I was always afraid of being "left behind". As an adult, I see all my friends getting married, having children, moving away...... all things that cause me to feel as though I was abandoned. My parents even moved away when they retired, thus the feelings of abandonment happened once again.
I have even distanced myself (consciously or subconsciously I don't know) from people when I sensed that their lives were changing in such a way that would "abandon" me. I always told myself that "they were too busy" or that "they don't need me taking up their time". Time after time I've done this.... friends in high school, college, family members.... all because they couldn't always be my friend when I wanted them to be.
These fears of abandonment are not true. While it is true that life changes (and people's lives change over time) that doesn't mean that I can't still be a part of that life. People will let you down (intentionally or not). They can't always cater to my every need or whim. Nor can I do the same to them.
However, when I feel abandoned, God is still with me..... He commands me not to fear because He will always be with me! Even when my friends can't help me, God can! Even when I feel alone, God is with me!
At the same time, I cannot compare myself to what others have and then use those "haves" to feel worse about myself. Just because we aren't the same, doesn't mean that we can't be friends and support each other. Just because we are in different seasons of life, doesn't mean we can't enjoy each other and have things in common. I have to remember that God has a purpose for me during this time in my life, just like he has a purpose for my friend who may be in a different situation.
Lord, help me to remember that You will never leave me. You are my strong foundation. You are my provider. Through You, I can do all things. Help me to remember that I am Your child and that You care for me. Help me not to be envious of what others have. Help me to be used for good according to Your plan. Teach me to be content. Amen.
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