What About Your Now Moment?

What are you doing with your now moment? This is the main question of "The Party Chick" chapter of God Chicks by Holly Wagner. I have been reading this book as part of my Thursday night small group Bible study. Wagner says, "We are given the moment called now. And this moment will not come again. We are to live each moment." I am so guilty of always thinking forward, planning ahead, worrying about the future, etc. Rarely do I stop to think about my now moment: the place I am at right now. Usually, I am so busy trying to plan every last second, trying to take control of my life so there will be no surprises. Then, not only do I plan every second, I then worry about the plan and that it may not go the way I want (it's a sickness, I KNOW!!!) It is alright for me to look forward to something, but I cannot ignore my now moment as a result! Henry David Thoreau said, "You can't kill time without injuring eternity." As a Christian, it is my task to live every moment, using each moment to fulfill my mission (God's purpose for me). In the good now moments? Praise God! In the now moments where I have met goals or had victories? Celebrate! In my now moments of difficulties? Seek Joy! Lord, may I always be aware of my "now". Help me not to get so focused on the future (or the past) so that I may be useful to You. Amen

How Do I Look?

Like most people (women especially!) I'm concerned with how I look. I love to shop and spend time seeking out the cutest outfits, matching shoes, trendy accessories.... the total package! Even though I'll never be a skinny gal, I still want to look my best. I'm the type of girly girl that has to wear jewelry and perfume EVERYWHERE I go, even to the gym! I want to wear the latest fashions (just in a slightly larger size), have my nails/toes done, get my hair done, all the things to help me look my best. In short, I want to look the best that I possibly can! And, if people should happen to notice; well, that's just a bonus! However, I often am too focused on my outward appearance and what people think of me. The Bible says, "But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.'" I Samuel 16:7 (NIV) Wow! I should focus more on my inward self.... my kindness, my self-control, my patience (ouch, that's a tough one!), my gentleness.... all the fruits of the Spirit. I should focus on my relationship with God.... do I spend time with Him daily? Worshipping? Reading the Bible? Talking (Praying) to Him? Imagine the relationship I would have with Him if I spent as much time on these things instead of shopping, getting pampered, fixing my hair/makeup, etc. That's not to say that it is wrong to look your best, how we look can impact our witness! However, I will be judged more strongly on my actions than my appearance. Proverbs 31:30 tells us, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting (vain); but a woman who fears (reveres) the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate." Do my works for God deserve praise? Sadly, not always. All of the compliments I receive for my outward appearance mean nothing. The better question is not, "How Do I Look?" but rather, "How is my heart?" Lord, help me to be always mindful that you do not judge me by my looks, rather, you see my heart. You see the true me that no one else knows. You know my thoughts, feelings, and motives. Help me to always seek to please You in these ways. Amen.

The Invisible Woman

Did you ever wish for a super power? I used to love watching super hero cartoons when I was growning up.... Superman, Batman, The Justice League.... and like any child, I imagined "what if". Wouldn't it be cool to be able to fly, or have super strength? Well, I have a super power... I am the invisible woman! I have the ability to stand in a crowd of people and NEVER be noticed.... sometimes that's a blessing; other times? a curse. I have wondered many times, "Would people miss me if I was gone? Would people even realize I wasn't there?" Lies of the devil, I know, but still a consequence of feeling invisible. I have always been an overly cautious person.... never one to reach out and make friends easily. As a result, I tend to "blend in" to my surroundings, standing back, taking it all in. I can't complain too much... I have developed great "people watching" skills and have good intuition about other people. However, when I feel lonely or sad because I don't think people notice me, I have no one to blame except myself. In my nightly reading, I am reading "God Chicks" by Holly Wagner. In her book, she speaks to women about different things we should be (warrior chick, friend chick, etc.). In the chapter, 'Friend Chick' Wagner writes how our different personalities can impact our friendships. She focuses on Hippocrates's 4 different personality types. She writes that Hippocrates came up with the types so that we can understand why people react the way they do. Wagner says that we are a combination of the 4 types, but that we have a more dominant type. I (of course!) am the melancholy type. In reading the description, there is no way I could deny that. I am a deep thinker, creative and artistic, like things in order (can you say OCD?), but I also tend to be pessimistic and can become depressed when other people don't measure up to what is wanted or expected. That spoke to me. I am so quick to get irritated at friends when they don't do/say things that I want them to. Then I use my irritation as an excuse to not "get involved" or to try and distance myself from people. I've screwed up some friendships in the past because I would get irritated that people didn't live up to my unrealistic standards. I need to work on that. I can't always rely on other people to notice me, cater to me, do what I want..... I have to reach out to others and be their friend, notice them, cater to them. In "God Chicks", Wagner also talks about loyalty in friendships and how no relationship (friendship or otherwise) won't always be 50/50. She says, "In every relationship, there are times when one person is doing most of the giving." I cannot always be the one who does all the getting, I must also give. I can give my loyalty to my friends when they are having a tough time. I can give my loyalty and support to my friends when they are having good times. I can even give support to my friends when great things are happening to them that I want for my life! (That's the hardest one!) I have to take my eyes off myself and focus in on others. When I do that, I step out.... I no longer am invisible! "A friend loves at ALL times" Proverbs 17:17a

Lonely in a Crowd?

I've struggled most of my life with occasional depression and feelings of worthlessness. I've been battling one of those "seasons of depression" recently and I can't seem to shake it. My life has not turned out the way I had always imagined. By this time of my life, I always thought that I would be married, have the 2.5 kids, nice picket fence, drive a mom van, have a wonderfully successful career...... somehow I also imagined myself skinny and stunningly beautiful (but that's another story!) As I've gotten older, I've found myself "shrinking away" from others, letting my FEAR of not being good enough get in the way of developing true relationships with others. Sadly, I've also shrunk away from my relationship with God. I became a Christian when I was in 8th grade. I remember my leaders and mentors while I was a teenager and college student. They helped me to grow as a Christian and helped me learn what to do to serve God. I was involved with a group of Christians who were my support system, encouraging me. At the same time, I encouraged them. I miss that fellowship with other believers. I've grown up now (at least age-wise) and have to accept the fact that the same fellowship and relationships that I had in college aren't necessarily going to be the same that I have now as an adult. I'm single, no kids.... I don't have the same responsibilities that my friends with children have. I have the freedom to do as I please, not having to necessarily think of anyone else. At the same time, that freedom is also a curse. People develop friendships with people they have things in common with...... young families befriend other young families, single parents befriend other single parents, married couples befriend other married couples, and so on..... I desperately want to find others in a similar situation as me, but let's be honest..... there aren't that many of us out there! I've recently been attending a new church and while I like it, it is still hard not to feel like there is a not a "place" for me there. (Not having a place to belong was one of the reasons I started attending a different church.) It has been so difficult to trust God in His plan for my life. For years, I have had the same prayer, yet it has not been answered. Psalm 27:4 tells me that "God will give me the desires of my heart".... my prayer has been that if my desires aren't His desires for me, that He would change those desires..... yet they remain a large part of me. Is that God's way of telling me to wait? Or am I refusing to change my desires? Is there an area in my life that I need to examine before I'm ready for His plan? I have found, in my experiences, that I have felt overwhelmingly lonely, even (especially in!) in a crowd of people. I have almost began having panic attacks when around others. I let FEAR defeat me. Why am I afraid? I have things to offer! I'm smart, funny (witty, even!), creative, an encourager, hard worker, good problem solver, insightful, and above all, I AM A CHILD OF GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What others think of me, what I think of myself, should not matter! I cannot allow the devil to beat me down by causing me to doubt myself, my relationship with God, and the work that I can do for the Kingdom! God's Word tells me, " Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (John 14:27) My prayer is that I will have peace about finding where I fit in. Dear Lord, help me to become the person that you desire for me to be. Help me to overcome my fear so that I may be an example of You to those I know. Amen

Mary or Martha?

Tonight at church I was touched by the story of Mary and Martha, Lazarus's sisters. Do you remember them? Jesus was in their home, ministring to people when Mary left the kitchen to come sit at Jesus's feet while Martha remained in the kitchen. Martha got mad and complained to Jesus that Mary was not helping. In Luke 10:40 (NIV) it says that Martha was distracted. In verses 41-42, Jesus says, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Wow! That spoke volumes to me! I have had trouble staying focused all my life... easily distracted by the little things around me........ as an adult, my attention span has become that of a nine-year old child! I, like Martha, am distracted by the less-important things, losing my focus. Mary had the same responsibilities of her sister Martha (after all, they had a whole housefull of guests!) , yet she made the better choice. Mary realized that "the little things" were not important or as pressing compared with time at Jesus's feet. Most days I feel as though I'm running around with my hair on fire! There is SO MUCH to get done each day..... get up, get ready, feed the cat, drive to work, lesson plans, make copies, go home, cook, go to the gym, grade papers..... the list is endless! None of these are bad things, they are all things that need to be done........ yet not once did I mention spending time with Jesus. Too often, my time of Bible reading and quiet time is either put off until evening, or I just forget. I'm ashamed to admit that, but it's true. I'm too distracted with daily life. I'm too worried about the "many things" than to know the one thing that is needed.... renewing my relationship with Jesus. I've struggled in my relationship with God for years. After my time in Indiana, I came back home mad at God. I let my daily life distract me.... "I was too busy", "I really need Sunday to rest", all the excuses to keep from spending time with Him. I am trying to repair this relationship. I've come to realize that my life will never be different until I set my priorities straight. I must be involved in daily time alone with God. I must find a fellowship of believers whom I can encourage and be encouraged. Ultimately, I need to be a Mary. I need to chose the best thing (Jesus). So.... Margaret, don't be distracted!

I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and doggonit, People Like Me

Anyone else remember this? Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley.... Saturday Night Live! Like many people, I have struggled with feelings of self-worth. When I look in the mirror, I am quick to point out the flaws that I see.... those gray hairs, the extra pounds, the million chins! Too often I listen to that negative voice in my head that says, "you aren't good enough", "no one will like you," no one will even notice you"! Very rarely can I tell you GOOD things about myself... I'm creative, determined, I'm a good teacher, I'm funny............ even now I really struggle to think about positive things about myself! We constantly compare ourselves to other people.... I want that person's hairstyle, love their fashion sense, wish I was as outgoing as they are.... or we want things that others have... I want a car like that! Why can't I be skinny like her? The list could go on and on! We place our worth in THINGS (or lack thereof!) rather than in our Savior! The Bible tells us that He "chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons (and daughters!) through Jesus Christ in accordance with his pleasure and will- to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ." Ephesians 1: 4-9 (NIV) God desires us to place our worth through HIM.... we were created by him.... US.... sinful beings were chosen by GOD, to be redeemed by GOD, to praise GOD and serve Him! He reveals His will to us according to HIS good pleasure! My worth has NOTHING to do with me.... my haves/have nots, my intelligence, my personality.... my worth has EVERYTHING to do with the One who FORGAVE me.... so, I guess the quote would better be..... "I'm NOT Good Enough, I'm NOT Smart Enough, but, Doggonit... My SAVIOR CHOSE ME ANYWAY!!!!! :)

What was I thinking? Why can't I think that way again?

When I was in college, I was a summer missionary. Three summers. My last summer (before my senior year) I was sent to Minnesota for the summer. That was the summer of 1995. For whatever reason (that I can't remember now) I kept a journal of sorts. Last night during my Bible reading I came across the journal and began to read some of my thinking. In many ways, I'm in awe of how deep my thinking was, yet I still struggled with the same thing: finding God's will for my life! Can't help but feel a little sad that I have regressed in my relationship with God. That's now how it's supposed to be! Here are a few of my excerpts......."May 29, I'm scared because I don't have the same eagerness and anticipation as everyone else. Is this really God's will or is it just something to do?" Was I doubting my going? My calling? Or was it just nerves? Today, I think that it was the nerves and anticipation of a summer of new discovery! As I was reading I found a letter I had written to myself near the end of my partner and I's time at a particular church. Looking over the letter I weep wondering "where did I go wrong?" I think about how sure I was as a 21 year-old about what I thought God wanted me to do. Was I wrong? Or have I been disobedient and not followed what I thought was God's plan was for me? Here is parts of the letter: July 10, 1995 "Tonight I just got back from eating supper at the Copeland's house. Phil and Kris were missionaries in West Africa. After speaking with them I feel like Jonah--- running from God and His calling. When I was 17, I went on a ten day mission trip to Belize to work with a church doing Bible club. I remember thinking, 'I could handle doing this for the rest of my life.' Little did I know that God might call me to foreign missions. The next year I went to St. Anne's Bay, Jamaica on a 10 day mission trip. It was during this time when I really began to struggle with God's calling. I talked with Wayne, an adult who had met up with our church group and was one of our leaders. He shared with me 4 steps to finding God's will.... 1. personal quiet time (prayer and Bible study), 2. godly counsel, 3. Bible, and 4. wisdom of parents" During that same summer, I talked with one of the pastors we were working with about foreign missions. Long story short, I wasn't sure if that was the right thing for me because I was scared of being alone. I gave God a condition: I would have to have a companion (husband). Ultimately, I applied for (and received a position) as a 2-year home missionary after graduation. My letter concluded, "I'm scared because I do not know how to be strong. I don't want to be alone on the mission field. I know that God will grant me companionship, but it may not necesssarily be a husband. God will not allow me to be alone- for He is always with me and will never leave me nor forsake me." I did go as a home missionary after college. I spent one-and-a-half years as a missionary in Indiana and was miserable the whole time. I often wonder if it was because I was only half-following God's will......... I can't go back and "re-do" my life (although sometimes I think it would be nice to be able too!) but I can start now to seek God's will for the next stages of my life. I truly believe God lead me to elementary education.... Heaven knows I have a lot to learn and do better, but I care for my students and want to be a leader for them. But that's not enough... God has another calling for me, a calling to help others and spread the gospel to others. I usually have a few books at a time that I am reading.... some "for fun", others educational, and then some about Christian living... right now I am reading "God Chicks" by Holly Wagner and Stormie Omartian's "Praying God's Will for Your Life".... one of the things that Omartian speaks aobut in her book, she speaks of how God's will is continuous.... basically from the womb to the tomb...Isaiah 58:11 says, "The Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your soul in drought, and strengthen your bones; you shall be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail." My soul has been in drought for a long time... hopefully I am taking the steps to be watered! :) I have to continue to read my Bible, fellowship with other believers and seek godly counsel..... maybe one day I can get back to the "maturity" of the 20/21-year old me