It's In the Past

I suppose it is no surprise that I love Disney movies.... let's be honest-- most people who work with children daily (and have the same sense of humor as a child) love Disney. I love in the cartoon version of The Lion King where Rafiki the monkey is speaking with Simba---

From 2016 to now, my past has hurt.....

1. My dad (and I've ALWAYS been a daddy's girl) was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He decided on surgery to make the quality of the life he had left better. He was also trying to prevent losing all his sight. He was on blood thinner and had to go off for ten days. In those ten days, I feared that he would have a stroke and I would lose him. Surgery was in April. Radiation started in May. In June, he had been given a clean bill of health. By July, the tumor was back. Hospice was called in August. In October, he required a hospital bed and was completely blind. He passed away on the 17th. He was (and still is) my role model. In many ways, I grieve him more now than I did that first year.  I'm so thankful for the godly man he was and the years he was with me.

2. My marriage was falling apart. My ex-husband was one of the most fun, kindest people I knew. Unless he was drinking. During the time of my father's illness, I taught kindergarten Monday-Friday and went on the weekends to my parent's house to cook and clean and free my mom up to take care of my dad. Sometimes my ex went with me. Other times he chose to stay home (which usually resulted in a drinking binge). My parents didn't know at the time of his drinking. I couldn't burden them with that. After my dad died, my ex went on a downhill spiral. He was emotionally and verbally abusive, left the marriage 4 times (to later apologize and come back). We went to pastoral counseling. We went to professional counseling. He took medication to try to stop drinking. We went to AA meetings. Two wrecks later, a night in jail, and becoming homeless, he decided to stop even trying to quit. That was the moment the marriage was over. By August 2017, the divorce was final and I returned to my maiden name.

3. I was struggling in my career.  2017-2018 and 2018-2019 were exceptionally stressful years in my classroom. I had two students who both needed lots of redirection and extra attention. Both took all my time full-time. In that year, we have multiple medication adjustments which results in major behavioral melt downs. I also had seven daily criers almost all year. Between losing my dad, grieving the loss of my marriage and this, I was mentally spent. I had to spend some time in counseling and even required some anxiety/depression medication to help me even out. Even now I tend to go overboard and be a little too "extra" to try to convince myself that I'm a good teacher.

Naturally, as humans, we go through tough times. We live in an imperfect world. We all have times of sorrow and grief. We all have moments where we just feel completely spent and unsure how to continue. We all have questions and seek direction for our lives. In my case, I didn't always seek directions from God. I let my circumstances out weigh my faith. For a few years, I refused to go to church. I became a different person. That is still a battle that I have to face. The enemy knows my weaknesses and I fall for it.

You see, I've always been shy. Large groups of people were called a "no thank you" to me. I've just never had the type of personality that attracts others. I would rather hide in the shadows, hoping that someone would notice me. I was awkward towards others and too scared that I would make a fool of myself. Secretly I longed to be more outgoing, to join in on the fun, but I never did. I let fear talk me out of making an effort every time. After my tough years, my shyness and aversion to people became even worse. Going to church, or to a restaurant, or practically anywhere was a struggle because I was scared to go on my own. I didn't want to stand out as a "party of one".

Many people might be surprised by my words. I can come up with funny/sarcastic comments easily. I can seem outgoing on social media. I can play the part as needed in social situations. I can even pose as a professional educator and talk to the parents with some amount of authority! Ask me something about school and I can talk for hours! That's because even though I am shy, I am NOT quiet. In small group settings or one-on-one, I can be such a talker. I can make small talk like a pro! All that is superficial though. It was rare for me to be comfortable enough around another to let them see the true me--- the hurting me---- the worried me----- the grieving me------- the shy person longing to be noticed.

I've written all that to come to my point- it's time that I change my life. I can be my own worst critic and be too hard on myself at times, but I'm not talking about that. I need to change my life in a way that I cannot. My life change will require help. The majority of that help will have to come from Jesus. He can empower me to do and be things I could never on my own. (paraphrase Philippians 4:13). HE is who I will have to turn to and depend on. However, I can use help from others as well. I need accountability. I need encouragement. I also need people who have the courage to speak with me honestly when I screw up. (That part is inevitable---- I mean, have you MET me?)

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17 (NIV)

"Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as in fact you are doing." 1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV)

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him- a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9--12 (ESV)

"Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another." Ephesians 4:25 (NASB)

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2 (NIV)

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much." James 5:16 (NASB)

"My dear friends, if you know people who have wandered off from God's truth, don't write them off. Go after them. Get them back and you will have rescued precious lives from destruction and prevented an epidemic of wandering away from God." James 5:19-20 (The Message)

So, I've thought of my goals-- and the changes I must make in order to meet those goals.These are all things I need to make in my life (not in any particular order).

1. Take my physical and mental health seriously. I am a potato, of the couch variety. I stay busy and seem like the energizer bunny at times, but when I crash, I crash hard. I must be more diligent in exercising and taking care of my health. After all, how can I ever be of help and service to anyone else when I can't even get out of bed? Or when I'm so exhausted that I make poor choices?

2. Become active and present in church. I love my church. Church of the Highlands has made a huge difference in my life. It is big. And it's easy to get lost in the crowd. It's so easy not to get involved, not to join a small group or to serve others. That has to change. I love the main campus. It is my favorite for sure, but is it my favorite because I can just be an observer? The time I served on Events team, Hospitality team, or helped in Highlands Kids---- I miss that. Maybe it is time for me to step out in faith and make changes to make those connections I desperately need.

3. Put down my phone and read. I love reading. During the school year, I read hundreds of books to my class. I used to love to read on my own time. I have noticed though that more and more I have become more and more dependent on my phone and games and social media, rather than reading. I struggle getting to sleep at a reasonable time because I'm so attached to my phone. It's time to put the phone away and get back to reading. While I won't promise to always read "Christian" books (there are too many other series and genres that I love), I definitely need to start there. I recently started a Lysa TerKeurst book. I'm going slow--- trying to mediate on the words as I read them.

4. Maintain positivity. I am SO QUICK to become frustrated and just want to quit. I'm really bad about becoming negative when things are harder than I prefer. I complain. I whine. I gripe. I sound like one of my kindergartners who have been told "no". As a way of trying to combat this, I am choosing to listen to lots of worship music. I'm hoping this will help to recenter me when I become stressed or frustrated or discouraged.

Those are my main goals. While I always have what
seems like a million goals for school and teaching, those I am much more likely to complete without encouragement.

So to anyone who is still reading, thank you. Just knowing there are people that know my goals is already a form of accountability. If you feel lead, please feel free to be an accountability partner for me! I'm asking for prayer that I will be able to work on these areas (with God's help). Anything more than prayer is just gravy: texts, messages, etc. encouraging me or calling me out when I need it.

"Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead. I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God's heavenly call in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14

"With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26

"He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless." Isaiah 40:29


"You'll never change your life until you change something you do daily." John C. Maxwell

How Generous Are You?

How generous are you? Have you ever met someone that went above and beyond to be generous to others?

One of my co-workers is always who I think of when I think of generous. She is absolutely the BEST at little surprises to make our day brighter! Many mornings we get to school to find our favorite soda ice cold on our table. Or she will text and say she is bringing chicken biscuits. My favorite is when she brings a box of Little Debbie cakes and gives us each a treat (I have a sweet tooth, obviously). Even during the summer, she snail-mailed funny and encouraging cards to us! Is she generous because she is rich? No, she's a school teacher with two daughters in college. Is she trying to get recognition? No, most of the time she just leaves a treat on our table without a "from" tag. She does this because she wants to be generous.

Another co-worker knows everyone's favorite drink and brings them to school. Sometimes she shows up with a Starbucks treat as well. She's always the first to share any teaching resources that she created herself so that we can use them in our classroom as well. She is always generous with her time to help us with any tech problems we are having in our classroom. She works after school as well to create notes and plans and yearly calendars for the grade level. Again--- not looking for attention or praises from others, she does this to be generous.

I also think of my mom and dad. They were always so faithful to be generous to their church. One year, the R.A.s (boys' mission group) had a basketball free throw fundraiser. The boys were raising money to help them go to camp. My dad didn't want any of the boys to feel left out so he pledged a particular amount for every made free throw for every boy. The day of the fundraiser, the boys continued to make shot after shot. In the end, my dad had to write a very large check because of all the shots. He always joked, "I didn't know they shot that good."

My mom is also generous. When she was still working, she would be generous with her time at school. There were many nights that my dad and I had to drive to her school because it was late and she was there at night by herself. We went to make sure she was safe and we could follow her home. She would rather stay late to complete paperwork so that every moment students were at school, she could help them instead of closing her office door.

I can think of so many examples of generosity. I am blessed and thankful to have these examples of being generous in my life.

Some people want to think that generosity is only applicable in material things or that you have to be rich in order to be generous. That is simply not true. Yes, some people are in a place where they can be financially generous to others. However the most generous people I know are just regular men and women. Besides financially, these people are generous with their time, energy, knowledge, and sharing their resources.

For Christians, generosity isn't just a good idea. It's something we are called to do.

"In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'" Acts 20:35

"And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased." Hebrews 13:16


I try to be generous. I love to make things for others and help others. However, I still struggle with generosity.

How? By having an unloving heart when someone doesn't respond how I think they should. When I expect a certain reaction or result in the end, then I'm not being generous. I am not having the correct motivation for what I did.

That's the thing about generosity--- it's NOT about the giver. It's about showing someone love.

"Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth." I John 3:18

So, I have to work on that. That's my personal goal for this upcoming school year--- to be truly generous regardless of the result or reaction. Even if no one ever knows what I did. Even if I never hear the words "thank you". Even if someone doesn't reciprocate the generosity.

I want to be generous. NO MATTER WHAT.

"By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven." Matthew 5:15 (MSG)

"You have been treated generously, so live generously." Matthew 10:8 (MSG)


Lord,
Teach me to be generous.
Teach me to serve you as you deserve;
to give and not to count the cost.
*partial prayer by St. Ignatius of Loyola

It's May--- graduation time! One of my friend's daughter is graduating soon with a degree in education. I have known the soon-to-be-graduate since she was in kindergarten. I taught her in first grade, she has volunteered in my kindergarten class, and I have seen first hand that she will be an INCREDIBLE teacher!

There are lots of future teacher about to get their first classroom! I remember those days--- so full of excitement and expectations and ideas of how to change the world one class at a time! 21 years later, I still have excitement and I still desire to make a difference! However, some of my expectations? I was kidding myself! LOL!

I started thinking about advice I would give a new teacher.......

1. It's not all going to go exactly like expected and that's ok! I remember how crushed I was the first time a lesson didn't go just like I wanted! Some days/lessons will just flop. The important thing to remember is to dust yourself off and try it again a different way the next day!

2. Don't set yourself up for unrealistic decorating expectations! We CAN'T do it all! My first few years of teaching I changed my bulletin boards and door decorations monthly. Like FULL OUT decorating! I still love my room to be bright and colorful, but I've learned how to use basic decorating that can last for years and update with student work. My suggestion is to look at pictures of other classrooms and decide a color scheme (and nothing too theme-y that would become boring or easily date).

3. Don't get in the habit of using your own money for everything! I have to say that I am still guilty of this! Teachers are famous for spending their own personal money for classroom supplies, gifts, books, decorations, etc. To be honest, it is doubtful that you won't have to spend at least some of your money. Even the Dollar Tree can be tricky--- $1 isn't much (until you buy 100 things there!) What you spend-- make it count! Don't just buy everything yourself! In many districts now, there is money set aside for new hires. Don't hesitate to ask parents to send in items! Use donors choose and other crowd fundraising. Ask friends to donate gently used books and toys their children have outgrown.

4. Don't be scared to ask for help! No one will ever know it all! Hopefully your school will assign you a mentor teacher. That does not have to be the only person you check with! Use your grade level, teacher friends, and administration to help! If you need to know more about a particular skill/topic, ASK.

5. Don't be afraid to share new ideas with your grade level. I'm guilty-- "I've always done it that way" is sometimes why I do certain art or writing activities. However, when I moved to another grade level or another school (or both) I learned from my new co-workers. Many who had been teaching less time than I had. Just because you are a brand new teacher doesn't mean you don't have things to share! In fact, you are probably more current on many best practices than us "older" teachers!

6. Don't be afraid of communicating with parents! Guilty of this one too! I am not a phone person nor do I like confrontation, but I have found that positive communication early on goes a long way! Also... document, document, DOCUMENT!!!! I have a file for every child and if there is a paper/test the child struggled with, I make a copy and put it in the file. I also keep track of behavior and save the sheets. Also, if you ever feel nervous about a conference or meeting, ask your administrator if he/she could sit in. I have always been so amazed at how supportive my administration was!

Finally.....

7. HAVE FUN!!! Teaching can be super stressful! Discipline, lots of standards to cover, testing, documentation, stressful parents, difficult students--- it can be very daunting! Yes, there will be days you go home exhausted and crying. Yes, there will be days you wonder if you are making a difference. However, there area also days where the light bulb goes on in a student's mind. Days where a student makes a connection that you never thought they would. There will be days when you receive a hug and an "I love you" or "You're the best teacher ever". There will be days when you reflect back to the beginning and see the progress your class has made. Enjoy those good days!

Season? or Reason?

In one of the Christian fiction novels I've read, the main character talks about there is "single for a season" or "single for a reason". And it's true! If you were being honest with yourself, when you find out that someone in their late 30's or older are single and have never been married, you ask yourself.... what's wrong with them? At least I do (even though I am in that group also!) Or, if someone has become single again and not married again, you ask..... why haven't they gotten married again? Is something wrong with them?

I'm not saying anything is WRONG with anyone..... it's just what people wonder. People are social creatures. They don't like to be alone the majority of the time. So..... what is the reason they are single?

Honestly, I think one of the reasons is....... where do you meet single people? I am very picky about what I would like in a future mate. I'm not sure meeting them at a bar is the best place to meet them! Especially since I don't drink alcohol (except on vacation, but that's a different story!) :)

I am a member of a "mega" church. Even before this church, I've always been a member of larger churches. You would think it would be easy to meet someone when there are thousands of people around you, but it's not. The key to developing relationships with anyone (male or female) is to have something in common with them and be a member of some type of smaller, intimate group where you can spend time together, get to know each other, and become friends (not just church aquaintances).

This is where I think the problem lies. I truly believe that most churches (small and large) miss the boat with it comes to an adult singles ministry. They just don't know what to do with us. Adult singles (30's and older) are expected to just join a ladies class or a men's class. Some churches expect them to join the married class (and sit alone pitifully). For the churches that DO have a singles class, it is all ages, lumped together. For those singles who have children at home, many times they can meet other moms or dads with similar interests and become involved. But what about the never-been-married, no kids, or no-kids-at-home singles? What about them? These are the singles that desperately NEED other singles to develop friendships with! (And according to my friend, married couples with no kids tend to get left out also!)

I'm tired of sitting at home alone on the weekends. I'm tired of not having friends who share my same issues of being alone. I'm tired of sitting alone at church, or feeling like I don't know anyone! I'm frustrated with not knowing how to MEET people to even TRY and get to know them!

I wish I knew how to communicate this need to churches. I'm pretty sure that adult singles are not an area most churches really think about. Married ministry? got it! Children's ministry? yup! Youth ministry? you betcha! Senior Adults? they are busier than the rest of us! Men's ministry? Women's ministry? Music ministry? Those are all great things! Many churches even have College/Career or 20's singles ministries! These are all WONDERFUL and NEEDED things. I just think my "demographic" is left out.

Am I the only one who feels this way? Talking to some of my friends, I don't think that I am. Yet, I am not strong enough or knowledgeable enough to BE the change. Leading a small group is not my calling. Teaching a Sunday School class is not my calling. I've learned that I can be a pretty good planner/hostess but I'm not even sure how to START attracting singles! (If I knew HOW to attract them, I doubt I would be blogging now!)

I say all this to admit..... I'm lonely. I'm frustrated. I'm growing weary of waiting. I question God.... "Why can't I meet other friends to spend time with?" I also question "what is MY reason I am still single?" And I don't know the answers...... that's the most frustrating part of it all!

Lord, Help me to wait on You. Show me steps I can take to make a difference. Help me to minister to others who also feel lonely and left out. Lead me in the path that I should go so that I can follow Your plan for my life. Amen.

One Day.........

This past month has been super stressful and hard for me. The beginning of school is ALWAYS stressful! Too much to do, not enough time to do it! (But what teacher doesn't deal with that?) :)

But it has been a tough month personally also. Life can change in a moment, and mine changed. One month later and I still cry daily. One month later and I still have unanswered questions. One month later and I still wonder,,,,,,,,,,,,why? I may never truly understand (this side of Heaven). And you know what? that's ok.

The end of a relationship is tough. Friendships, dating relationships, marriages, professional relationships..... it can hurt when any of them have to end. It is even harder when it was not mutual or "your choice" for the reltaionship to end. It is sad. It is painful. It sucks.

Many years ago (and I mean MANY), I began a prayer/goal notebook. In this notebook I kept a list of goals for my life, Bible verses that were especially meaningful for my life, and also a list of "must haves" for my future husband. These qualifications had to do with the character of the person I would want to one day share my life with. Here is my list....

 1. He must place God first in his life.
 2. He must be financially responsible. (Not rich, but a good manager of money).
 3. He must have a heart for missions.
 4. He must be active in his church.
 5. He and I must have similar denominational beliefs.
 6. He must be easy to talk to, someone I feel comfortable around.
 7. He must love me as I am RIGHT NOW physically (size/weight).
 8. He must be willing to be the head of the household and lead our home in a godly way.
 9. He must be never married... and have saved himself sexually for marriage.
10. He shouldn't drink alcohol.
11. He should honor and respect his and my parents.
12. He should desire a family, but will accept possible limitations.
13. He must support my career and my love for education.
14. Traditional gender roles are not important--- we each work to maintain home and other responsibilities.
15. He must study the Bible and know scripture.
16. He should be well groomed (take care of himself--- nothing about cuteness/size, but take pride in himself).
17. He should be willing to speak his mind and stand up for injustice.

I'm sure lots of you have now thought......
"She sure is picky"
"She is being very close-minded"
"No one will ever live up to her expectations"
"She is kidding herself to think she will ever find that"

And you are right. I am picky. I am being close-minded. And I may very well be kidding myself! I realize no one is perfect (myself included) but I have to believe that God has placed these look-for qualities in my heart. That's not to say there would not be exceptions or special circumstances, but that is what I truly am looking for.

However, as I have gotten older, I realize that #9 probably won't happen. Same with #12. So I have had to adjust my list. As old-fashioned as I might be, I want someone who reserves sex for marriage and marriage only. And with some of my health issues (and my age), having kids probably isn't going to happen, even though the chance to be a mom (or step-mom) is one of the largest desires of my heart.

But I have also realized that I need to add to my list also! At my age, anyone I would enter into a dating relationship with is more than likely divorced. That brings a whole new level of complexity into a relationship! Plus, as I have gotten older, I realize there are other things that also matter.

So.....

18. He must be active in his children's lives and support them financially.
19. He must be able to let me be part of his life (and his children) and not have to hide his relationship with me.
20. In marriage, I would want our relationship to be a priority. I'm not saying ignore the children or not consider them but that he and I truly become one. I don't want our lives to only revolve around children. I want to build a true relationship so that when the children grow up and leave, he and I have a deep connection already.
21. He must follow through with what he says he will do.
22. He must have godly men that he can look to for friendship, accountability, and advice.
23. He must prove his love by the way he treats me. Not opening doors or paying for dinner (although that is nice) but listening, talking, etc.
24. I must be able to trust him completely and he trust me also. If he tells me something, I want to be able to believe it with no doubts. The same is true in reverse.
25. We must be able to deal with arguements and disagreements in a kind, loving way. He must not ignore issues or avoid them rather than deal with them.

Am I being unrealistic? I hope not. I have never dated a lot (as a teenager or as an adult) so granted, this is all theory! But my recent relationship has shown me how much I truly desire to find a companion for life. I have been praying for 20+ years that God would either answer my prayer for a husband or change my desires so that I no longer wanted one. And the desire is stronger than ever. I have to believe that since the desire is still there, it will be part of God's will for me in my life. Do I know when? no. Do I know how He will answer that prayer? no. But I have to have faith. Even when faith is hard.

I have to be totally honest and say that I have questioned God..... WHY has this happened? And I don't know the answer. I still cry at least once every day over the loss of a relationship and a friendship. I still have lots of unresolved questions that I may never know the answers to. I have been hurt. I have been angry. I have lost respect for someone. I have been depressed. I have withdrawn from people because I just didn't know how to ask for help. But through it all....

I have been blessed to meet someone who really IS a nice person.
For the first time, I realized that I had something to offer someone.
I realized that I was not the ugly troll I thought I was and that someone CAN be attracted to me.
I learned what it was like to love someone.
My desires for a companion have been strengthened.
I can tell someone my secrets and they will still accept me.

So, for now, I have to wait. Wait on God's timing. Wait on the person God will send. Wait on Him....

"I wait.
Dear Lord,
Thy ways are past finding out.
Thy love too high.
O hold me still beneath Thy shadow.
It is enough that Thou lift up the light of Thy countenance.
I wait-
Because I am commanded so to do.
My mind is filled with wonderings.
My soul asks, 'Why?'
But then the quiet word,
'Wait thou only upon God.'
And so, not eve for the light
To show a step ahead,
But for Thee, O Lord,
I wait."
---taken from Elisabeth Elliot's Passion and Purity

But as I wait, I do not become stagnant. I actively wait, serving God as I wait. I build relationships and friendships as I wait. I make a difference for God's kingdom as I wait. I honor God in my waiting. I serve God, trusting that He will lead me in the directions I should go, trusting He will lead my future husband to me. As I wait, I stand on the promises He has given me in the Bible. I pray that He will search my heart, changing areas in my life that don't honor Him. Changing areas that I haven't surrendered to Him.

Lord,
Help me to become the person that you desire for me to be. Help me to shed the shackles of doubt and lack of confidence. Release me from my selfishness and help me to see Your plan for my life. Forgive my lack of faith and hope in Your will for me. Give me courage to meet other believers. Mold me into the woman You desire for me to be. Change my mindset so that I am looking to You and seeking Your guidance. Help me to see that You have ultimate control and help me to trust You. Speak to me so that I may hear Your plan. Bless my hopes and wishes and change my desires that don't honor You. I have faith and trust in You. Amen.

When You Don't Know WHAT To Do.....

Ever feel stuck? In a rut? In your own thinking? Feel like your life is a nonstop cycle? This has been me lately. The same thoughts keep coming up and I just don't know WHAT to do..........

I need wisdom.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." James 1:5-8 (NIV)

Maybe that is my problem----- I'm REALLY good at ASKING for wisdom- but do I BELIEVE and NOT DOUBT? Sadly, no. Don't get me wrong--- I know that God can do ANYTHING and that HE knows all and leads us in the way we should go in our lives. So why can't I believe that He will give me wisdom for my everyday life? Is it because I want to always be in control? Maybe. Yes.

Like right now, God is trying to teach me to be patient. (And for those who know me well, you KNOW how much I don't want to learn that lesson!) The Lord has answered a prayer (well, shown me the PROMISE of an answered prayer) but the time is not NOW for the fulfillment of my prayer. The Lord needs me to continue to seek Him, follow Him, pray for His wisdom....... even if the answer can't happen on my own time-frame. As a result, I've experienced frustration...... WHY can't it be answered now? WHY must I continue to wait? WHY is this promise not a simple answer?

This frustration automatically makes me go into "control" mode. In my mind I think, "SURELY there is SOMETHING that can be done to hurry this promise along!" Which leads to dwelling on the situation, trying to "fix" the problem, and my feeling stuck in the situation.

THEN I make it worse by asking friends their opinions as to what I should do. Typically that leads to even MORE frustration. ESPECIALLY since God has already told me, "Wait on me. Be patient. I am in control."

I need wisdom. But I don't need to just ask.... I need to BELIEVE.

Father, Help me to not only ask but to also believe. I trust You with my eternal salvation. Help me to fully trust you in EVERY situation. Amen.

Worthy of Love and Beautiful

I want to be beautiful. What girl doesn't? I've always been a girlie girl.... make-up, clothes in the latest fashions, nails and toes done, highlights in hair, sweet-smelling perfume...... all things meant to "enhance" my beauty. And like any girl, I grew up in a culture that bombards girls/woment with messages of beauty... "use this product".... "be this size".... "have your hair styled this way".

And let me tell you, it's a crock! We are trained by our culture from a very early age that beauty has to do with our outward self.... how we look.

One of my favorite songs is "Beautiful" by Bethany Dillon.


I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me
Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart, and be amazed
I want to hear you say Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart, and be amazed
I want to hear you say Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful


Have you ever felt like that? I have. I think all of us desire to be "beautiful".... because we associate "beauty" with "love". IF the song stopped here, it would be sad. As I hear the lyrics, I hear someone crying out for love.... based on their beauty, the worth they think they have.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)

What we think of as important (beauty/outward appearance) God thinks differently. It is not our beauty that causes Him to love us, He loves us because He created us. He is interested in our heart-- our soul--- our spirit. He is interested in who we are rather than how we appear. Remember....

Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart. I Samuel 16:7 (NIV)

Thank you, LORD!!!! As a woman, I still want to be beautiful. But I must realize that God's idea of beauty is different than my own. He gives me directions on how to be beautiful..... the Proverbs 31 Woman. God's beautiful woman is....

• Pure- She is a woman of virtue (verse 10)



• Honest- She is trustworthy (verses 11-12)



• Industrious- She is a hardworker (verses 13-19, 21-22, 24, 27, 31)



• Thrifty- She is skilled with finances, She is able to care for her loved ones (verses 14, 16)



• Strong in character- She faces the daily challenges of life with courage (verses 25, 29)



• Kind- She is compassionate and brings words of encouragement (verses 20, 26)



• Wise- She walks in wisdom (verse 26)



• Holy- She loves the LORD with her whole heart (verse 30)

That's a tall order! It can be VERY overwhelming! But we never need to be discouraged or feel overwhelmed by God's standard for beauty because He gives us, day by day, a lifetime to reach it! Join me (won't you?) in whispering to God, pleading for strength- His strength? Because through Him we can become a BEAUTIFUL woman---- one who moves through the challenges and duties of life with courage, bravery, endurance and His power! WE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL!!!!! (We are WOMEN! We are BEAUTIFUL!)

And the song? See the conclusion Bethany Dillon comes to about beauty.....

You make me beautiful, You make me stand in awe

You step inside my heart, and I am amazed!

I love to hear You say Who I am is quite enough

You make me worthy of love and beautiful

Lord, Help me to be beautiful by YOUR standard. Help me not to become distracted by the world's idea of beauty and doubt You. Amen.

Treasure Hunter

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21 NIV

As an only child.... I'm spoiled. As an ADOPTED only child.... I'm spoiled rotten. :)

I have always been used to getting my way. I do not share. I don't play well with others. I've very self-centered. Maybe it was because of my "only child" status, but I think it is because I've tried to store my "treasures" in the wrong place.

I'm too concerned with stuff. I like stuff. My home, my classroom is all filled with "stuff". A co-worker has joked that if I try to put one more item in my classroom, she is staging an intervention. At home, I have so much stuff that I don't even use it all! But it is never enough..... I always want more. Newer... BIGGER..... MORE

I'm learning about stuff. Recently I was able to (finally!) purchase a new laptop computer. Less than a week after bringing it home, my home was robbed. What was taken? You guessed it! The new laptop (and a tv). I've been almost obsessed with trying to figure out how quickly I can replace these two items, and I've realized.... it's gonna be awhile (and probably that's a good thing!)

During this time of waiting, I am going to focus on my treasures...... my earthly treasures don't matter. I've still got a tv to use. I still have a desktop computer. There are lots of people that don't even have that! How dare I pout or be upset? The things that were taken was just that..... things. I should be more concerned with the treasures that I am storing up in Heaven.

What treasures are those? I think as Christians, we all want to think that we are working hard for God and making a difference in our world. Often times we are. But how much MORE of an impact can we make when we don't let our earthly treasures get in the way?

So that's my goal....... I'm hunting for treasure! Showing the love of Jesus to my students by treating them fairly and in love. Loving on those around me who may or may not know Christ's love. Acting in such a way (publicly AND privately) that people will see that there is something different about me. And the toughest one of all---- being greatful for what I have, not always wishing for more.

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silnt. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." Psalm 30:11-12 (NIV)

"For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, wheter living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:11b-13 (NIV)

Father, Teach me contentment. Help me to look for ways to store my treasures in Heaven, rather than here on earth. Help me to look for ways to glorify You no matter what. Amen.

Pick Me! Pick Me!

Think back..... WAAAAAAAAAAY back..... to when you were in school. Remember p.e. class? Remember those games where you had to "pick teams"? Maybe you were athletic and always one of the first chosen. Or, maybe you were like me--- clutzy, not at all athletic. I remember dreading being called LAST to join the team (or even worse, NOT being chosen and getting "stuck" on a team!)

It hurts to be the last one chosen. Why? Rejection. No one likes it. Rejection HURTS. Even if no one says it, to be picked last meant that you WEREN'T ANY GOOD and no one wanted to accept the "liability" of having you on their team.

As a teenager and as an adult, I've experienced a different kind of rejection. It hurts more than being chosen last for a kickball team.

I'm in my late 30's and have never been married. I've never really even had a serious relationship. I've barely even been out on dates. Why? I've been "picked" last. There is something "wrong" with me that would make me a liability to a relationship. Now, before you try to argue that point with me..... stop. I'm just stating facts.

There is something un-dateable about me. I truly have no idea what. I could list all of my negative qualities, but we all have SOMETHING in our lives that aren't perfect! I'm quiet, very reserved, don't make friends easily. I'm "fluffy" and aren't exactly the most beautiful; but I have good qualities too...... I guess those just don't show up as easily. I'm smart. I'm creative and funny. I love to do things for others. I'm a hard worker. I guess those things don't come across though.

I never know how to meet people. Most of my friends are married and have been so for many years. They don't know single people my age. I work with mostly women. I just don't know where to meet someone (and if I did meet someone, I sure wouldn't know how to communicate!)Over the years, I have tried different online dating sites. I've even paid money to have a membership, rather than just "creep". It's always been the same...... very few were ever interested. Or, they would seem to be interested and then I would never hear from them again as soon as they saw my photo (I'm not THAT ugly! I DON'T break cameras or anything!) Or, they would chat with me but then suddenly stop (and I would have no idea why!) Now, please don't argue that "they don't know what they are missing".... cause the common denominator in this equation is me........ something is wrong with me.

I cannot express how hurtful it is to once again be passed over. It's hard to get your hopes up that MAYBE this time will be different. After rejection, it is doubly hard to get my nerves up to try again. I often joke that God is going to have to cause someone to fall from the sky with a sign around his neck saying, "This is the One. Love, God"

I fear being lonely. I am so scared that one day my parents will not be around anymore and I will be completely alone. Yes, I have friends, but they have their own families, their own responsibilities. I am terrified that my biggest desire to have a mate and hopefully a family will never come to be. I'm scared to grow old and alone.

I have to be honest...... I see people who always seem to have a date, or a boyfriend, or a husband and I get jealous. I want that so bad for myself. It has gotten to the point that it is hard to even be happy for someone else..... because my heart longs so greatly for what they have.

For years, I have prayed about this. To be honest, I'm mad at God because of it. I don't understand why I have to wait. Or why He won't take this desire away from me. I don't know what to do to get over the anger, the hurt, the rejection. I don't understand why I have to continue to wait. What if His answer is for me to wait more? What if having a husband is never part of His plan for my life? What do I do then? How do I learn to accept what He has in store for me?

I have a heavy heart when it comes to relationships. Maybe someone else has felt the same. I just know how weary I am of rejection. How much I'm ready to give up on the hope of a family.

Tattle-tale, Tattle-tale, Hang Your Britches On a Nail

Anyone who works with, has, or has even BEEN a child (in other words, EVERYONE!) knows about tattling. I think that is the one thing in my classroom that gets on my nerves the most! At least once a day, one of my third graders come to me to tell me about someone else's business. Sounds petty, I know, but it is a huge problem! Each time this happens, it distracts us from learning (and causes their teacher to have a hissy fit!)

Tattling is such a problem, that I am ALWAYS looking for ways to stop it in my classroom! One of my newest addictions in Pinterest and I've come across some really cute ideas to try in my room!Next year, I wil have a "tattling turtle", a tattling flow chart for "When to Tattle", and spend lots of time talking about what is important to tell and what isn't.

But tattling isn't just a child problem. As adults, we are prone to "tattle" on others. How? Through gossip, being nosy, making assumptions, and sharing things with others that was never our place to share. Each time we stick our nose in someone else's business or share private information about someone else, we are tattling. It hurts just as much to adults as it does to children.

Why are other people's drama so attractive to us? Does their problems make us feel better about our own? Are we so insecure about who we are that in order to feel good about ourselves, we have to drag others down?

Many times I think that Christians are the worst about tattling. We "hide" the gossip by saying that we are just "concerned" about them and would like to pray for them. Hogwash..... we are just nosy. And when we do gain new knowledge, why do we feel the need to share that with others? Or assume we know who someone is talking about and then "tattle" back to that person? How in the world is THAT setting an example of Christ's love?

I'm guilty of tattling as well. I love to hear gossip about others. I love to be nosy and ask questions when it is not my "beez wax". I've also been guilty of making assumptions about other people, and repeating things that I should have never known. I'm sure my actions have hurt others. I will have to ask forgiveness for that, try to make ammends, and accept the fact that people may have lost their ability to trust me or that I have permanently lost friends.

The Bible says plenty about how we should live our lives.

I Thessalonians 4:11-12 (NIV) commands us to "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody."

Wow.... so when I DON'T mind my own business I am sinning. That's not a good thought.... I want to think that my actions aren't wrong, but they are. I want to think that it is harmless gossip, but it's not. I hate to think that something I might have done have hurt someone else. Or worse, caused someone else to stumble in their relationship with God. The worst? if my actions have caused someone to reject Christ.

So, now I know that it is wrong. I know that it can hurt others. How do I stop it? By guarding my mind and my tongue. I can only do that through God's help...

Psalm 141:3-5 (NIV) "Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips. Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil, to take part in wicked deeds with men who are evildoers; let me not eat of their delicacies. Let a righteous man strike me- it is a kindness; let him rebuke me- it is oil on my head. My head will not refuse it."


Lord, Help me to guard my ears and my mouth. Help me to stay away from gossip. Keep me from spreading it to others and causing pain with my words. Use my mouth as a way to glorify You and bring others to You. Amen.

Don't Worry--- Be Happy

Worry- to agonize and meditate on things you have no control over, to be anxious for something that may (or may not) happen in your life

I worry. I know that I shouldn't, but I do. God tells us,

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?" Luke 12:22-26

All of my life, I have been very quiet and reserved. I do not open up easily to anyone. I've battled depression most of my life, seen therapists on and off when things got tough, and have taken anti-depressants as needed. I also tend to be controlling, wanting things to follow a pre-determined plan and panic/have anxiety when those things don't follow the plan. I have Adult ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and that affects my ability to not only relate to other people but it bogs me down in my own thoughts, flitting back and forth from one topic to another, while getting "stuck" in my own head time and time again. As a result, I tend to get overwhelmed in large group settings. I tend to be "overlooked" and become invisible. Lately, I have been going through a season of depression. I'm unhappy in my job, in my church, even with friends. I find myself regretting choices I have made that have forced me to break out of my shell. Maybe I have done too much...... maybe I didn't observe God's timing....... maybe it's just me. I find myself becoming so sensitive about things and taking stuff way to personally. I get frustrated when people say, "Oh you are just under attack. You need to trust God." Or, "you just need to get over this." If it were that simple, don't you think I would have done that a long time ago? Trust me, living life in a state of constant "overwhelmedness" is not fun. I also get frustrated when people think I can just "snap out of it"...... I've had to deal with this all my life.... I wish I could find something that worked!

Right now, I'm wanting to just withdraw from everyone. I want to crawl into a little hole and just retreat. I want to give up even trying to do something different and just try to survive.

I get frustrated and jealous of other people who seem to so easily make connections with other people, who never meet a stranger, who always have faith. I wish so badly that I could be that way just once..... but that's not me.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore..... and it frustrates the crap out of me! :(

Tug of War

Ever feel like you are in a tug of war? I've felt that way at work lately. For those of you who know what I did before teaching third grade, I'm sure you find this hilarious! "We told you so!"

As a teacher, I have had to learn how to balance my own personal beliefs about education with the "greater good". I've had to change how I teach certain skills. I've had to follow an increasingly stricter pace. I've had to chart and graph more data than I ever cared to! I've had to stay "on schedule" not only with my grade level, but also my whole district. And I have to tell you...... I don't care for it one bit!

At what point is it still about the good of the children? This year especially I have wondered that. I don't have an issue with the curriculum I'm using.... in fact, I like our reading and language arts series! I've finally figured out how I need to best teach math! Science and social studies? Well.... I'm still working on those. Not to brag, but I'm (or I used to be!) a good teacher. I enjoyed taking time for "teachable moments" and leading students in how to be good thinkers and reasoners.

However, now I feel as though I am a robot. "You...... must..... stay...... on....... pace........" "You....... must....... document......... every.......... word....... said........ by........ the.......students......" "Don't........ think......... for.......... yourself........."

Granted, these are exaggerations, but they are not that far from the truth! I have grown weary of never having enough time to teach my students. We never have enough time to practice skills before we have to assess. I'm tired of all the forms and paperwork. I'm tired of "easier" solutions that just make my life more complicated.

For example, Today........

my day started with a impromptu conference with my boss, an irrate letter from a parent, using my "extra instructional time" to call the disgruntled parent, thus leaving my students reading quietly in the hall while I used the phone. Once we got settled back into the room, it was time to leave again for a bathroom break so that we could be on schedule when the exceptional education teacher comes into our room to work with a student. (Let's not forget two of my students being taken for extra reading help then me panicing at the bathroom because I've lost two kids!) Two hours of reading instruction and practice (I STILL can't meet with every group in a day like I need to!) Time to break for lunch, then bathroom, and reading aloud from our chapter book (while students furiously try to finish any morning work they couldn't work on because they were sitting in the hall!). After our read aloud, quickly cram spelling and grammar down the students' throats.... introduce cursive writing... but, wait! It's time to leave again to go to p.e.! 40 minutes of "planning time" (HA!) for me as I furiously answer emails, put papers and notes in student mailboxes, go to the restroom (if I'm lucky), try to actually SEE my desk instead of the stacks of papers on top of it! P.E. is over, ANOTHER bathroom break, daily calendar, math warm up, review rounding.... but, SURPRISE!!!! time to leave AGAIN to go to the library! Come back from the library, work on a math test (another student leaves to see the OT) but then have to stop in the middle because it is time to pack up to go home...... get everyone in the right spot and the day is OVER!!!! (of course, then i stayed to help with tutoring, but that's another story!)

And I wonder why I feel as though I am being pulled in all directions! The saddest part? that is a "typical" (or as close to typical as I can get) day. These are the days that I hate my job because I feel as though I can't DO my job anymore. :(

So many of us have a tug of war in our own lives. Maybe, like me, it is your work life. Maybe your family has activities every day! Maybe it is your "free" time (do any of us really have free time anymore?) But we all struggle to accomplish all our goals in one or more areas of our life. I don't know about you, but when I feel pulled, I only stretch so far........... at some point, I either give in or fall apart.

So...... how do we keep from giving in? How do we keep from falling apart? For me, I find that when I am at my "rope's end" (get it? tug of war? rope's end?) it is usually because I took too much on myself. I had unrealistic expectations of what I wanted to do, or get done, or wanted things to be. In other words, I became so detail oriented, that I lost sight of the "main thing". In work, my main thing is- to prepare my students to be successful in third grade, but also to be prepared for their future education. In life our main thing should be to "love God and love others" (Matthew 22:36-40)

That's a great lesson, but I gotta be honest, sometimes I need more. Sometimes, I just need REST. I was in need of rest last weekend. Sometimes I just need to get away from my stress and rest...... mentally....... physically......... emotionally............. REST.

God promises us rest.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon yu and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

"He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul." Psalm 23:2-3a

"The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace." Psalm 29:11

I need rest. I need to be reminded that God provides rest. I can't let my rope (life) be pulled so long that I break. I need to be smart and learn when I need to lay my rope down and walk away. Rest, so that I can pick my rope back up another day.

Lord, Help me not to become so overwhelmed with daily life. Help me to keep my rope steady, not allowing it to be pulled in different directions. Help me to remember my focus (You). Give me rest when I am weary. Give me the wisdom to know when I need rest. Amen.

Mommy Dearest

I have a heavy heart tonight.

I want to be a mom. For a while I thought I was o.k. if that desire never came true.... but I'm not. It is so disheartening to know that the opportunity probably will never arise and if it does, I may never be able to conceive.

Many of you know that eight years ago (ish) I was diagnosed with type II diabetes. (I always have to think about the students in my class the year I was diagnosed then count forward to the grade they are in now to see how long it has been. When I was first diagnosed, I was faithful to take my medicine, check my blood sugar, etc. but soon I began to skip it. The medicine I had to take for diabetes made me constantly nausious and sick to my stomach... plus, most of the time the medicine did not seem to help.

About three years after my diabetes diagnosis, my blood sugar could not get under control, so I was referred to see an endocrimologist. It was here where I received the news that still haunts me..... along with many other health issues, I have PCOS. For those of you who have never heard of it, PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome) causes infertility. My doctor recommened that if I had any plans to have children, I better go ahead and do it. No problem, right? PROBLEM... at the time I was single, not dating anyone, with no prospectives to date. Also, because of my personal beliefs, I knew that I didn't want to go find a random guy to have a baby with..... (I couldn't have afforded one anyway!)

One and a half years ago, I had gastric banding surgery. My weight was out of control, I was unhealthy, and I knew that losing weight was my only chance of ever controlling my sleep apnea, my diabetes, my thyroid, and my PCOS. It was my "shot" at having the life I have always wanted. I went through all the classes, attended the support groups, had everything lined up... fasted for two weeks before surgery (not a problem!), had the surgery and initially lost 35 pounds. My dreams of a better me were coming true!

But then the weight loss slowed...... then stopped.... then the weight began coming back on. Of the 35 pounds I lost, I have regained 15. I have been sicker now than ever before. The list of foods that I can't eat (because they make me throw up) is longer than the list of foods that I can. In fact, there is not a single food that I can successfully eat every time!

I tell you all of this to say that I have had to come to grips with the fact that I will probably never be a Mom. It isn't easy. I work with children every day. I work with them at church every Sunday. Being around them causes me physical pain because of my strong desire for a child.

Please don't tell me, "you can adopt". I've thought of that.... 37 years ago my parents adopted me! But I know that they had to wait a long time for a baby. And at the same time, I'm not sure that I could be a single parent (and Daddy must be hiding somewhere!). I have no immediate family near me, I'm the only income this child would have (and I'm a horrible money manager!) Besides, agencies are looking mostly for stable, two-parent homes for children. My best bet for a child would be to marry someone who already has children (but since I don't date nor do I even know single men my age, that's kind of tough!) Anyway, being a stepmother (evil or not) would be tough and I just don't know if I'm strong enough for that.

My prayer since I was about 16 was that:
a) I would become a Proverbs 31 woman... a woman who pleased God
b) God would send me a husband..... I didn't date much in high school, thinking I would meet someone in college, then after college....... 20 years have passed and I still don't date (by choice--- just not mine)
c) God would let me have a family of my own
d) If my prayers/desires weren't what He had in store for me, that He would change them....

That's been the hardest part. My desire for a family has not lessened.... in fact it has grown stronger the more time I spend with friends who have children! (Always the babysitter, never the mommy)

I just don't know what to do with my emotions though. In my head I know God promises that He will give me the desires of my heart. I know that through Him, all things are possible. My head knows these things...... I just wish that my heart would catch up. I've reached the point that I can't be around young children....it is too painful seeing my greatest longing and knowing it isn't happening. I have a friend who she and her husband are going through the adoption screening process right now in hopes that they might be able to adopt..... I want so badly to be happy for them! But I can't help feeling, "why not me?" Why can't I find a husband and try for a baby?

I have to say that I feel like damaged goods. I've always had self worth issues (never pretty enough, smart enough, outgoing enough, etc.).... these are lies from the devil. I know that the Bible says that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made". But I feel, who would ever want me? I'm no Christian Barbie (I would like to point out that SHE is made of PLASTIC!).... I don't have the outgoing, fun personality of some, and now? I can't even promise a child! Who would want me? Once again, those are LIES from the devil. How do I keep myself remembering that?

I don't want encouragement that "oh, you'll have a child some day" cause no one but God knows that..... besides, at 37 I'm thinking that ship has sailed! I need to know how to deal with the disappointment. Short of changing careers and stop serving in church, I'm going to have to work with children. How do I get past the longing for one of my own?

No one but God can answer my prayers. He alone can change my heart and my desires to match up with His plan for me...... I just wish He would hurry! (but I've never been very patient!)

LORD, Heal my heart. Take away the bitterness I feel towards people who have what I want. Help me to be grateful for what you HAVE blessed me with! Open my ears, Lord so that I will listen and obey when You speak Your plan for me.

So Long Dreams,....

Dreams...... things that you hope for, wish for, long for. Dreams are good.... they can motivate you to take the steps necessary to make them come true. Dreams can also be bad.... they can distract you from the "now".... but at what point (if ever) should you give up on dreams?

It's hard to realize that some of the things you desire most (or your strongest dreams) probably aren't going to happen. I want to know why.... I want to know what is wrong with me that these dreams aren't right for me..... I want the pain of this realization to go away. I want hope that something better is out there for me. I want to know that another dream will replace the old ones.

I've felt incredibly lonely lately, but I've not been by myself. On the contrary, I've probably stepped out of my comfort zone more lately than I have in a long time when it comes to spending time with other people. I have been lonely in a crowd. This happens to me a lot. Surrounded by people having a great time talking and laughing and I sit (or stand) there like an awkward pre-teen, socially inept.

It is times like these that it is hard to rely on my faith in God. I know in my head the promises He has made.... "will never leave me nor forsake me" (Deuteronomy 31:8)...... "the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:9)....."I know the plans I have for you... to prosper you and not to harm you... plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11-13)..."cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you" (Psalm 55:22)....."you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble" (Psalm 59:16).......... the Bible is full of promises that God has made to his people. My head knows these promises but my heart is broken.

I am the type of person to unwrap gifts then re-wrap them at Christmas. I read the last pages of a book to make sure it turns out right.... in other words, I'm not good at waiting! I hate surprises! I'm a planner.... I want to know the timeline of my life and whether my dreams come true. I wish I knew if my dreams would ever be fulfilled. But then again, am I ready if the answer would be no?

I hate to admit it, but it has gotten harder to be around my friends whose lives seem to be working out. If they have something that I dream of, I get jealous. I don't want to be around them, it is just too painful. That makes me a horrible friend! Rather than be happy for them or encouraging, I shrink away, lost in my own hurt. I wish I knew how to get over this.

So I struggle. Mostly alone because others don't want to hear my pity-party. Friends and well-wishers try to encourage me, "just trust in God" "it will happen when you least expect it" "stay busy serving God" "when you don't focus on it so much it will happen"...... the problem is, I can't seem to lose focus!

I covet your prayers..... I've prayed for years and yet here I still am. Please pray that God will change my dreams and desires if they are not what he has in store for me. Pastor Chris just finished a mini-series about Doors-Finding God's Will. Pray that God will shut doors while others are blown open.

Lord, Help me to wait for Your timing. Help my jealous spirit that I can encourage and rejoice with others when good things happen to them. Help me to continue to believe in Your promises, even when my heart breaks with longing. Amen.

Small Groups-- Social Club or Support Group?

In high school, I joined lots of clubs--- Spanish Honor Society, Junior Civitans.... I was in the youth group, helped the band..... all things social..... wanting a group of friends (which I got).
In college, I did the same thing---- I became a member of Baptist Campus Ministries, looked for a church with an active college ministry...... still wanting a group of friends, a place to belong. As an adult, it has become harder to find that group of friends...... I have my "old" friends (that I have known since childhood), my "work" friends that I see almost daily and even spend some time with outside of work.

I know that the best place to find a group of friends who have similar beliefs and morals is at church. However, it has been difficult to find that group. At my childhood church, that group was a Sunday School class. In my current church, it is a small group.

Core group, small group, Sunday School class..... lots of churches use different titles but ultimately these groups are meant to help Christians grow spiritually.

"Let us not give up the habit of meeting together, as some are doing. Instead, let us encourage each other." Hebrews 10:25 (GN)

"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying hte favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." Acts 2:42-47

I've been attending "Growth Track" through my church.... tonight's lesson was on how to grow as a Christian..... it spoke about small groups and it made me think..... the apostles in Acts spent time together, they studied together, prayed, met each other's needs...... I want a group like that!

Tonight, I learned that small groups are supposed to provide opportunities for: Bible study, fellowship, communion, prayer, support, praise and worship, and outreach (based on the Acts verses posted above). If even one of these elements is missing in the group, then it is not fulfilling its purpose. If a small group is only interested in fellowship or having fun, then they are a social club, not a support system. If they never spend time studying the Bible, worshipping, and praying together, then they are not being effective. On the other hand, if they only spend time in Bible study and never make the time to fellowship and have fun then they can't develop true relationships either. There has to be a balance of all these things.

As a shy, quiet person in large, unfamiliar settings, it is hard to truly get to know someone. It takes time. It takes trust. It usually (for me, anyway) takes a pre-existing connection with someone in the group. Then slowly, I will come out of my shell. This contributes to why I've had a hard time finding my group. There have been very few people that I can say are my "small group" (a.k.a. support system).

This is my prayer..... God will help me to develop my relationships with other people. I pray that I can be a support for someone else..... I know that this will take time and also require me to step out of my own comforts occassionally. It may even require me to take a role of a leader rather than an observer or spectator (terrifying thought!) I have truly enjoyed the group where God has led me to...... now I must take it to the next level! I cannot be content with just meeting for church service, or in hanging out and having fun.... I must make a conscious effort to grow and help others to grow.

Lord, help me to find the right small group. Help me to overcome my own insecurities in order to be blessed and be a blessing. Help me to live out John 13:34-35, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." Help me to remember that I am not called to only be part of a social club, rather I am to be a part of a support system. Help me to be a true friend. Amen.

Watch Out! Don't Trip!

I have always been a klutz.... up until the age of about eight, I spent at least one night a year in the emergency room! Broken bones, a split open ear, passing out, hitting my head, all sorts of crazy things! It got the point that I'm sure we were recognized at the hospital! Most of my accidents were because I did not pay attention and then tripped or lost my balance.

At school, I see lots of "accidents". You know what I'm talking about.... "I accidently put my foot out and he fell"..... "I didn't mean to trip her"...... "my foot slipped"...... all of the excuses children give when they cause someone to trip, fall, or get hurt. (Trust me, with 8 and 9 year olds.... there are LOTS of excuses!)

As Christians, we are commanded not only to keep ourselves upright (and not trip and fall down) but we are also commanded not to cause anyone ELSE to trip.

"Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak." I Corinthians 8:9

"Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall." I Corinthians 8:13

"Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks, or the church of God-" I Corinthians 10:32

We (as Christians) are held to a higher standard. It is our responsibility to show God's love, mercy, and redemption plan by our words and our actions. People watch us.... some to discover what we have that is different....... some to "catch" us in sin. We have to pay close attention to how we appear to those who do not have a personal relationship with Jesus. We cannot live by the world's standards...... we must live by God's standards.

I have a tendency to see things in very concrete ways.... things are black or white, right or wrong..... there is very little gray area...... the Bible gives us guidance on those "big things" that are right or wrong, however many of the "little things" are open for interpretation. That's where the Holy Spirit guides us.

Most Christians agree on the "big things".... don't murder (duh!), read the Bible, pray, don't do drugs, etc. However, many unsaved people also agree with these big things.....

It is the "little things" that give us problems. (I've struggled with my own beliefs in these areas as well!) Is it acceptable to drink alcohol as long as you do not become "drunk"? Is it okay to tell a "white lie" to spare someone's feelings? What about spending lots of time alone (at his/her appartment) with a special friend, as long as you don't "do anything"? It is these questions and others like them that are just as important as the "big" things. How Christians respond to these questions is what should set us apart from unbelievers.

My belief is that if we as Christians do something that may cause another to say, "Why are they doing that? I thought they believed in Jesus" then I have no business doing it. That's not to say that I want to live my life trying to please others (because I will never be able to do that!)..... I just want people to understand where I stand and why.... I want to live a life that is pleasing to God.

I Thessalonians 2:4 "On the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please men, but God, who tests our hearts."

I Thessalonians 4:7 "For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life."

I Thessalonians 4:11-12 "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody."

I don't know about you, but I struggle with this calling. Yes, I am a Christian. Yes, I have been forgiven of my past sins. However, I still have a free will. I am still a sinner.... I am prideful, I want my own way, I am still tempted by sin. I want desperately to please God but on my own, I can't. So what can I do? I can PRAY TO GOD that He will enable me to live a pleasing life, a life that could build someone up rather than cause them to stumble.

I Thessalonians 3:13 "May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones."

Lord, Help me to live a life that is pleasing to You. Help me to show an example of Your love and plan to those who do not already know You. Show me areas in my life that have caused others to trip and stumble. Forgive me for those areas and help me to change my example. Provide me with Christian friends who can keep me accountable for my actions. I love You. Amen.

Don't Leave Me!

Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." (NIV)

Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Philippians 4:6a "Do not be anxious (worry) about anything,"


I have always been afraid of abandonment. As a baby, I was given up for adoption. While growing up, I was always afraid of being "left behind". As an adult, I see all my friends getting married, having children, moving away...... all things that cause me to feel as though I was abandoned. My parents even moved away when they retired, thus the feelings of abandonment happened once again.

I have even distanced myself (consciously or subconsciously I don't know) from people when I sensed that their lives were changing in such a way that would "abandon" me. I always told myself that "they were too busy" or that "they don't need me taking up their time". Time after time I've done this.... friends in high school, college, family members.... all because they couldn't always be my friend when I wanted them to be.


These fears of abandonment are not true. While it is true that life changes (and people's lives change over time) that doesn't mean that I can't still be a part of that life. People will let you down (intentionally or not). They can't always cater to my every need or whim. Nor can I do the same to them.


However, when I feel abandoned, God is still with me..... He commands me not to fear because He will always be with me! Even when my friends can't help me, God can! Even when I feel alone, God is with me!

At the same time, I cannot compare myself to what others have and then use those "haves" to feel worse about myself. Just because we aren't the same, doesn't mean that we can't be friends and support each other. Just because we are in different seasons of life, doesn't mean we can't enjoy each other and have things in common. I have to remember that God has a purpose for me during this time in my life, just like he has a purpose for my friend who may be in a different situation.

Lord, help me to remember that You will never leave me. You are my strong foundation. You are my provider. Through You, I can do all things. Help me to remember that I am Your child and that You care for me. Help me not to be envious of what others have. Help me to be used for good according to Your plan. Teach me to be content. Amen.

Not-So-Patiently Waiting

"I began to learn to wait."

These words were spoken by Elisabeth Elliot in her book, Pasion and Purity. In this book, Elisabeth tells of the love story between she and her first husband, Jim Elliot. I first read this book when I was about 16 years old, and have read it countless times since then.

Wait- it means, to "remain, expecting something"... "attend as a servant"...... "a stay; a delay"

I have been waiting a long time. Nothing compared to an eternity, but for me: a long time. Waiting on what? For companionship, for supportive friends, for wisdom, for God's plan for me.

"Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:5

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." Psalm 130: 5

"Blessed are all who wait for him!" Isaiah 30:18b

Waiting is HARD..... I am not (nor have I ever been) a patient person.... I like structure, a plan, a time line. I rarely get caught by surprise.

But waiting is something that I (and we all!) must do. However, as I wait, I must move forward. The Bible teaches that we must, "Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful." (Colossians 4:2) and that we should "make the most of every opportunity" (Colossians 4:5b). We cannot sit around and wait, as one might do in a doctor's office.... we must be ACTIVE! We must also be hopeful knowing that "the one who calls you is faitful and he will do it" (I Thessalonians 5:24).

Elisabeth Elliot waited. And God was faithful to her (and Jim's) obedience. There were times when she struggled with her thoughts and feelings, yet she WAITED. I need to wait also....... on whatever God has in store for me... on whoever God has in store for me...... in who God is.

Lord, help me to wait. You know how much I hate waiting. You know how impatient that I am. You know what is best for me. Help me to serve You during my wait. Amen.

Happy New Year?

I'm sure you are looking at the title and asking yourself if I have finally lost it.... but I was just thinking about how every new year (January 1), I make tons of resolutions and then NEVER stick to them! What are resolutions? They are goals... NEW things that we want to do!

God is a God of NEW.....

"He put a NEW song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God" Psalm 40:3

"Sing to the Lord a NEW song, for he has done marvelous things" Psalm 98:1

"Behold, I wil create NEW heavens and a NEW earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind." Isaiah 65:17

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are NEW every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3: 22-23

"I will give them an undivided heart and put a NEW spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh." Ezekial 11:19

"Rid yourselves of all the offenses you have committed, and get a NEW heart and a NEW spirit." Ezekial 18:31

And that's just the old testament!

"A NEW command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34

"Just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a NEW life." Romands 6:4b

"Get rid of the old yeast that you may be a NEW batch without yeast- as you really are. For Christ, our Passover lamb, has been sacrifieced." I Corinthians 5:7

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a NEW creation; the old has gone, the NEW has come!" 2Corinthians 5:17

God promises us a new heart, new spirit, new commands... He promises to make us NEW creations! We must remember that God blesses us with a NEW day each day.... what we chose to make of it is up to us......

I choose to live each NEW day to the fullest...... that I may glorify God and show others what He has done for me. So, if each day is NEW.... then I guess I can say..... "Happy NEW Year!" What goals are you going to set for yourself?

Lord, Help me to not waste my NEW.... the NEW day, the NEW life, the NEW love You have given me. Amen.

Why Don't You Just Grow Up?

Ephesians 4:11-16 "It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men intheir deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does it work."

This passage was shared Wednesday night at church. The youth pastor was speaking about how summer can be a time of growth in Christ, or it can be a time of "slacking off". One of the things he said was, "people spend so long trying to find our purpose (God's purpose for us), when we need to focus on maturity (growing in Christ)". WOW! For years, I have seeked God's purpose for my life. In fact, it was the reason I began a blog.... to share my random thoughts and search for a purpose. However, finding a purpose shouldn't be my goal. My goal should be maturity. Maturity...... really? me?

The pastor spoke of how so many youth come to him saying that they just LOVE God..... Loving God is basic/entry level..... it's awesome to love God, it is a reaction to the cross. The important thing is to DO something about our love for Christ! What is it that we should do to show our love? "and find out what pleases the Lord" (Ephesians 5:10) Pray! Read the Bible! Spend time with other believers! Share our testimony and witness to others! Love those around us! Be a servant! Avoid temptation! Obedience to His commands! By showing our love, we become more mature in our faith.

I think about my students and how much they grow during the school year. They become more mature by following the rules, studying, showing self control, living up to their potential........ should it be any different for us Christians? These same disciplines help us to become more mature also. It's amazing to see what they can accomplish at the end of the year, when their third grade time is finished. How much more can we accomplish in our lives by focusing on maturing?

One of my students never took responsibilty for his own actions. Whenever he got in trouble, it was always "someone else's fault" or "they did it to and you didn't say anything to them". However, now, at the end of the year, he has learned to accept responsiblity for his own actions. Is he perfect? No. Does he still get in trouble occasionally? Yes. Has he matured? Absolutely. This student has learned that maturity is the willingness to accept responsiblity. "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours (God's) be done" (Luke 22:42).

The pastor closed the message saying, "If we focus on maturity, our calling will find us". That is my new focus: Maturity..... I wanna GROW UP!!!!

Lord, Help me to remember that my growth should be my focus. Help me to please You through my words and actions. Help me to outgrow childish things that attract sin. Help me to accept responsibility when I fail You. Help me to trust You, knowing that You will reveal Yourself to me as I seek You and grow in You. Amen.