It's In the Past

I suppose it is no surprise that I love Disney movies.... let's be honest-- most people who work with children daily (and have the same sense of humor as a child) love Disney. I love in the cartoon version of The Lion King where Rafiki the monkey is speaking with Simba---

From 2016 to now, my past has hurt.....

1. My dad (and I've ALWAYS been a daddy's girl) was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He decided on surgery to make the quality of the life he had left better. He was also trying to prevent losing all his sight. He was on blood thinner and had to go off for ten days. In those ten days, I feared that he would have a stroke and I would lose him. Surgery was in April. Radiation started in May. In June, he had been given a clean bill of health. By July, the tumor was back. Hospice was called in August. In October, he required a hospital bed and was completely blind. He passed away on the 17th. He was (and still is) my role model. In many ways, I grieve him more now than I did that first year.  I'm so thankful for the godly man he was and the years he was with me.

2. My marriage was falling apart. My ex-husband was one of the most fun, kindest people I knew. Unless he was drinking. During the time of my father's illness, I taught kindergarten Monday-Friday and went on the weekends to my parent's house to cook and clean and free my mom up to take care of my dad. Sometimes my ex went with me. Other times he chose to stay home (which usually resulted in a drinking binge). My parents didn't know at the time of his drinking. I couldn't burden them with that. After my dad died, my ex went on a downhill spiral. He was emotionally and verbally abusive, left the marriage 4 times (to later apologize and come back). We went to pastoral counseling. We went to professional counseling. He took medication to try to stop drinking. We went to AA meetings. Two wrecks later, a night in jail, and becoming homeless, he decided to stop even trying to quit. That was the moment the marriage was over. By August 2017, the divorce was final and I returned to my maiden name.

3. I was struggling in my career.  2017-2018 and 2018-2019 were exceptionally stressful years in my classroom. I had two students who both needed lots of redirection and extra attention. Both took all my time full-time. In that year, we have multiple medication adjustments which results in major behavioral melt downs. I also had seven daily criers almost all year. Between losing my dad, grieving the loss of my marriage and this, I was mentally spent. I had to spend some time in counseling and even required some anxiety/depression medication to help me even out. Even now I tend to go overboard and be a little too "extra" to try to convince myself that I'm a good teacher.

Naturally, as humans, we go through tough times. We live in an imperfect world. We all have times of sorrow and grief. We all have moments where we just feel completely spent and unsure how to continue. We all have questions and seek direction for our lives. In my case, I didn't always seek directions from God. I let my circumstances out weigh my faith. For a few years, I refused to go to church. I became a different person. That is still a battle that I have to face. The enemy knows my weaknesses and I fall for it.

You see, I've always been shy. Large groups of people were called a "no thank you" to me. I've just never had the type of personality that attracts others. I would rather hide in the shadows, hoping that someone would notice me. I was awkward towards others and too scared that I would make a fool of myself. Secretly I longed to be more outgoing, to join in on the fun, but I never did. I let fear talk me out of making an effort every time. After my tough years, my shyness and aversion to people became even worse. Going to church, or to a restaurant, or practically anywhere was a struggle because I was scared to go on my own. I didn't want to stand out as a "party of one".

Many people might be surprised by my words. I can come up with funny/sarcastic comments easily. I can seem outgoing on social media. I can play the part as needed in social situations. I can even pose as a professional educator and talk to the parents with some amount of authority! Ask me something about school and I can talk for hours! That's because even though I am shy, I am NOT quiet. In small group settings or one-on-one, I can be such a talker. I can make small talk like a pro! All that is superficial though. It was rare for me to be comfortable enough around another to let them see the true me--- the hurting me---- the worried me----- the grieving me------- the shy person longing to be noticed.

I've written all that to come to my point- it's time that I change my life. I can be my own worst critic and be too hard on myself at times, but I'm not talking about that. I need to change my life in a way that I cannot. My life change will require help. The majority of that help will have to come from Jesus. He can empower me to do and be things I could never on my own. (paraphrase Philippians 4:13). HE is who I will have to turn to and depend on. However, I can use help from others as well. I need accountability. I need encouragement. I also need people who have the courage to speak with me honestly when I screw up. (That part is inevitable---- I mean, have you MET me?)

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17 (NIV)

"Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as in fact you are doing." 1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV)

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him- a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9--12 (ESV)

"Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another." Ephesians 4:25 (NASB)

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2 (NIV)

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much." James 5:16 (NASB)

"My dear friends, if you know people who have wandered off from God's truth, don't write them off. Go after them. Get them back and you will have rescued precious lives from destruction and prevented an epidemic of wandering away from God." James 5:19-20 (The Message)

So, I've thought of my goals-- and the changes I must make in order to meet those goals.These are all things I need to make in my life (not in any particular order).

1. Take my physical and mental health seriously. I am a potato, of the couch variety. I stay busy and seem like the energizer bunny at times, but when I crash, I crash hard. I must be more diligent in exercising and taking care of my health. After all, how can I ever be of help and service to anyone else when I can't even get out of bed? Or when I'm so exhausted that I make poor choices?

2. Become active and present in church. I love my church. Church of the Highlands has made a huge difference in my life. It is big. And it's easy to get lost in the crowd. It's so easy not to get involved, not to join a small group or to serve others. That has to change. I love the main campus. It is my favorite for sure, but is it my favorite because I can just be an observer? The time I served on Events team, Hospitality team, or helped in Highlands Kids---- I miss that. Maybe it is time for me to step out in faith and make changes to make those connections I desperately need.

3. Put down my phone and read. I love reading. During the school year, I read hundreds of books to my class. I used to love to read on my own time. I have noticed though that more and more I have become more and more dependent on my phone and games and social media, rather than reading. I struggle getting to sleep at a reasonable time because I'm so attached to my phone. It's time to put the phone away and get back to reading. While I won't promise to always read "Christian" books (there are too many other series and genres that I love), I definitely need to start there. I recently started a Lysa TerKeurst book. I'm going slow--- trying to mediate on the words as I read them.

4. Maintain positivity. I am SO QUICK to become frustrated and just want to quit. I'm really bad about becoming negative when things are harder than I prefer. I complain. I whine. I gripe. I sound like one of my kindergartners who have been told "no". As a way of trying to combat this, I am choosing to listen to lots of worship music. I'm hoping this will help to recenter me when I become stressed or frustrated or discouraged.

Those are my main goals. While I always have what
seems like a million goals for school and teaching, those I am much more likely to complete without encouragement.

So to anyone who is still reading, thank you. Just knowing there are people that know my goals is already a form of accountability. If you feel lead, please feel free to be an accountability partner for me! I'm asking for prayer that I will be able to work on these areas (with God's help). Anything more than prayer is just gravy: texts, messages, etc. encouraging me or calling me out when I need it.

"Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead. I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God's heavenly call in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14

"With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26

"He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless." Isaiah 40:29


"You'll never change your life until you change something you do daily." John C. Maxwell

How Generous Are You?

How generous are you? Have you ever met someone that went above and beyond to be generous to others?

One of my co-workers is always who I think of when I think of generous. She is absolutely the BEST at little surprises to make our day brighter! Many mornings we get to school to find our favorite soda ice cold on our table. Or she will text and say she is bringing chicken biscuits. My favorite is when she brings a box of Little Debbie cakes and gives us each a treat (I have a sweet tooth, obviously). Even during the summer, she snail-mailed funny and encouraging cards to us! Is she generous because she is rich? No, she's a school teacher with two daughters in college. Is she trying to get recognition? No, most of the time she just leaves a treat on our table without a "from" tag. She does this because she wants to be generous.

Another co-worker knows everyone's favorite drink and brings them to school. Sometimes she shows up with a Starbucks treat as well. She's always the first to share any teaching resources that she created herself so that we can use them in our classroom as well. She is always generous with her time to help us with any tech problems we are having in our classroom. She works after school as well to create notes and plans and yearly calendars for the grade level. Again--- not looking for attention or praises from others, she does this to be generous.

I also think of my mom and dad. They were always so faithful to be generous to their church. One year, the R.A.s (boys' mission group) had a basketball free throw fundraiser. The boys were raising money to help them go to camp. My dad didn't want any of the boys to feel left out so he pledged a particular amount for every made free throw for every boy. The day of the fundraiser, the boys continued to make shot after shot. In the end, my dad had to write a very large check because of all the shots. He always joked, "I didn't know they shot that good."

My mom is also generous. When she was still working, she would be generous with her time at school. There were many nights that my dad and I had to drive to her school because it was late and she was there at night by herself. We went to make sure she was safe and we could follow her home. She would rather stay late to complete paperwork so that every moment students were at school, she could help them instead of closing her office door.

I can think of so many examples of generosity. I am blessed and thankful to have these examples of being generous in my life.

Some people want to think that generosity is only applicable in material things or that you have to be rich in order to be generous. That is simply not true. Yes, some people are in a place where they can be financially generous to others. However the most generous people I know are just regular men and women. Besides financially, these people are generous with their time, energy, knowledge, and sharing their resources.

For Christians, generosity isn't just a good idea. It's something we are called to do.

"In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'" Acts 20:35

"And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased." Hebrews 13:16


I try to be generous. I love to make things for others and help others. However, I still struggle with generosity.

How? By having an unloving heart when someone doesn't respond how I think they should. When I expect a certain reaction or result in the end, then I'm not being generous. I am not having the correct motivation for what I did.

That's the thing about generosity--- it's NOT about the giver. It's about showing someone love.

"Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth." I John 3:18

So, I have to work on that. That's my personal goal for this upcoming school year--- to be truly generous regardless of the result or reaction. Even if no one ever knows what I did. Even if I never hear the words "thank you". Even if someone doesn't reciprocate the generosity.

I want to be generous. NO MATTER WHAT.

"By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven." Matthew 5:15 (MSG)

"You have been treated generously, so live generously." Matthew 10:8 (MSG)


Lord,
Teach me to be generous.
Teach me to serve you as you deserve;
to give and not to count the cost.
*partial prayer by St. Ignatius of Loyola

It's May--- graduation time! One of my friend's daughter is graduating soon with a degree in education. I have known the soon-to-be-graduate since she was in kindergarten. I taught her in first grade, she has volunteered in my kindergarten class, and I have seen first hand that she will be an INCREDIBLE teacher!

There are lots of future teacher about to get their first classroom! I remember those days--- so full of excitement and expectations and ideas of how to change the world one class at a time! 21 years later, I still have excitement and I still desire to make a difference! However, some of my expectations? I was kidding myself! LOL!

I started thinking about advice I would give a new teacher.......

1. It's not all going to go exactly like expected and that's ok! I remember how crushed I was the first time a lesson didn't go just like I wanted! Some days/lessons will just flop. The important thing to remember is to dust yourself off and try it again a different way the next day!

2. Don't set yourself up for unrealistic decorating expectations! We CAN'T do it all! My first few years of teaching I changed my bulletin boards and door decorations monthly. Like FULL OUT decorating! I still love my room to be bright and colorful, but I've learned how to use basic decorating that can last for years and update with student work. My suggestion is to look at pictures of other classrooms and decide a color scheme (and nothing too theme-y that would become boring or easily date).

3. Don't get in the habit of using your own money for everything! I have to say that I am still guilty of this! Teachers are famous for spending their own personal money for classroom supplies, gifts, books, decorations, etc. To be honest, it is doubtful that you won't have to spend at least some of your money. Even the Dollar Tree can be tricky--- $1 isn't much (until you buy 100 things there!) What you spend-- make it count! Don't just buy everything yourself! In many districts now, there is money set aside for new hires. Don't hesitate to ask parents to send in items! Use donors choose and other crowd fundraising. Ask friends to donate gently used books and toys their children have outgrown.

4. Don't be scared to ask for help! No one will ever know it all! Hopefully your school will assign you a mentor teacher. That does not have to be the only person you check with! Use your grade level, teacher friends, and administration to help! If you need to know more about a particular skill/topic, ASK.

5. Don't be afraid to share new ideas with your grade level. I'm guilty-- "I've always done it that way" is sometimes why I do certain art or writing activities. However, when I moved to another grade level or another school (or both) I learned from my new co-workers. Many who had been teaching less time than I had. Just because you are a brand new teacher doesn't mean you don't have things to share! In fact, you are probably more current on many best practices than us "older" teachers!

6. Don't be afraid of communicating with parents! Guilty of this one too! I am not a phone person nor do I like confrontation, but I have found that positive communication early on goes a long way! Also... document, document, DOCUMENT!!!! I have a file for every child and if there is a paper/test the child struggled with, I make a copy and put it in the file. I also keep track of behavior and save the sheets. Also, if you ever feel nervous about a conference or meeting, ask your administrator if he/she could sit in. I have always been so amazed at how supportive my administration was!

Finally.....

7. HAVE FUN!!! Teaching can be super stressful! Discipline, lots of standards to cover, testing, documentation, stressful parents, difficult students--- it can be very daunting! Yes, there will be days you go home exhausted and crying. Yes, there will be days you wonder if you are making a difference. However, there area also days where the light bulb goes on in a student's mind. Days where a student makes a connection that you never thought they would. There will be days when you receive a hug and an "I love you" or "You're the best teacher ever". There will be days when you reflect back to the beginning and see the progress your class has made. Enjoy those good days!

Season? or Reason?

In one of the Christian fiction novels I've read, the main character talks about there is "single for a season" or "single for a reason". And it's true! If you were being honest with yourself, when you find out that someone in their late 30's or older are single and have never been married, you ask yourself.... what's wrong with them? At least I do (even though I am in that group also!) Or, if someone has become single again and not married again, you ask..... why haven't they gotten married again? Is something wrong with them?

I'm not saying anything is WRONG with anyone..... it's just what people wonder. People are social creatures. They don't like to be alone the majority of the time. So..... what is the reason they are single?

Honestly, I think one of the reasons is....... where do you meet single people? I am very picky about what I would like in a future mate. I'm not sure meeting them at a bar is the best place to meet them! Especially since I don't drink alcohol (except on vacation, but that's a different story!) :)

I am a member of a "mega" church. Even before this church, I've always been a member of larger churches. You would think it would be easy to meet someone when there are thousands of people around you, but it's not. The key to developing relationships with anyone (male or female) is to have something in common with them and be a member of some type of smaller, intimate group where you can spend time together, get to know each other, and become friends (not just church aquaintances).

This is where I think the problem lies. I truly believe that most churches (small and large) miss the boat with it comes to an adult singles ministry. They just don't know what to do with us. Adult singles (30's and older) are expected to just join a ladies class or a men's class. Some churches expect them to join the married class (and sit alone pitifully). For the churches that DO have a singles class, it is all ages, lumped together. For those singles who have children at home, many times they can meet other moms or dads with similar interests and become involved. But what about the never-been-married, no kids, or no-kids-at-home singles? What about them? These are the singles that desperately NEED other singles to develop friendships with! (And according to my friend, married couples with no kids tend to get left out also!)

I'm tired of sitting at home alone on the weekends. I'm tired of not having friends who share my same issues of being alone. I'm tired of sitting alone at church, or feeling like I don't know anyone! I'm frustrated with not knowing how to MEET people to even TRY and get to know them!

I wish I knew how to communicate this need to churches. I'm pretty sure that adult singles are not an area most churches really think about. Married ministry? got it! Children's ministry? yup! Youth ministry? you betcha! Senior Adults? they are busier than the rest of us! Men's ministry? Women's ministry? Music ministry? Those are all great things! Many churches even have College/Career or 20's singles ministries! These are all WONDERFUL and NEEDED things. I just think my "demographic" is left out.

Am I the only one who feels this way? Talking to some of my friends, I don't think that I am. Yet, I am not strong enough or knowledgeable enough to BE the change. Leading a small group is not my calling. Teaching a Sunday School class is not my calling. I've learned that I can be a pretty good planner/hostess but I'm not even sure how to START attracting singles! (If I knew HOW to attract them, I doubt I would be blogging now!)

I say all this to admit..... I'm lonely. I'm frustrated. I'm growing weary of waiting. I question God.... "Why can't I meet other friends to spend time with?" I also question "what is MY reason I am still single?" And I don't know the answers...... that's the most frustrating part of it all!

Lord, Help me to wait on You. Show me steps I can take to make a difference. Help me to minister to others who also feel lonely and left out. Lead me in the path that I should go so that I can follow Your plan for my life. Amen.

One Day.........

This past month has been super stressful and hard for me. The beginning of school is ALWAYS stressful! Too much to do, not enough time to do it! (But what teacher doesn't deal with that?) :)

But it has been a tough month personally also. Life can change in a moment, and mine changed. One month later and I still cry daily. One month later and I still have unanswered questions. One month later and I still wonder,,,,,,,,,,,,why? I may never truly understand (this side of Heaven). And you know what? that's ok.

The end of a relationship is tough. Friendships, dating relationships, marriages, professional relationships..... it can hurt when any of them have to end. It is even harder when it was not mutual or "your choice" for the reltaionship to end. It is sad. It is painful. It sucks.

Many years ago (and I mean MANY), I began a prayer/goal notebook. In this notebook I kept a list of goals for my life, Bible verses that were especially meaningful for my life, and also a list of "must haves" for my future husband. These qualifications had to do with the character of the person I would want to one day share my life with. Here is my list....

 1. He must place God first in his life.
 2. He must be financially responsible. (Not rich, but a good manager of money).
 3. He must have a heart for missions.
 4. He must be active in his church.
 5. He and I must have similar denominational beliefs.
 6. He must be easy to talk to, someone I feel comfortable around.
 7. He must love me as I am RIGHT NOW physically (size/weight).
 8. He must be willing to be the head of the household and lead our home in a godly way.
 9. He must be never married... and have saved himself sexually for marriage.
10. He shouldn't drink alcohol.
11. He should honor and respect his and my parents.
12. He should desire a family, but will accept possible limitations.
13. He must support my career and my love for education.
14. Traditional gender roles are not important--- we each work to maintain home and other responsibilities.
15. He must study the Bible and know scripture.
16. He should be well groomed (take care of himself--- nothing about cuteness/size, but take pride in himself).
17. He should be willing to speak his mind and stand up for injustice.

I'm sure lots of you have now thought......
"She sure is picky"
"She is being very close-minded"
"No one will ever live up to her expectations"
"She is kidding herself to think she will ever find that"

And you are right. I am picky. I am being close-minded. And I may very well be kidding myself! I realize no one is perfect (myself included) but I have to believe that God has placed these look-for qualities in my heart. That's not to say there would not be exceptions or special circumstances, but that is what I truly am looking for.

However, as I have gotten older, I realize that #9 probably won't happen. Same with #12. So I have had to adjust my list. As old-fashioned as I might be, I want someone who reserves sex for marriage and marriage only. And with some of my health issues (and my age), having kids probably isn't going to happen, even though the chance to be a mom (or step-mom) is one of the largest desires of my heart.

But I have also realized that I need to add to my list also! At my age, anyone I would enter into a dating relationship with is more than likely divorced. That brings a whole new level of complexity into a relationship! Plus, as I have gotten older, I realize there are other things that also matter.

So.....

18. He must be active in his children's lives and support them financially.
19. He must be able to let me be part of his life (and his children) and not have to hide his relationship with me.
20. In marriage, I would want our relationship to be a priority. I'm not saying ignore the children or not consider them but that he and I truly become one. I don't want our lives to only revolve around children. I want to build a true relationship so that when the children grow up and leave, he and I have a deep connection already.
21. He must follow through with what he says he will do.
22. He must have godly men that he can look to for friendship, accountability, and advice.
23. He must prove his love by the way he treats me. Not opening doors or paying for dinner (although that is nice) but listening, talking, etc.
24. I must be able to trust him completely and he trust me also. If he tells me something, I want to be able to believe it with no doubts. The same is true in reverse.
25. We must be able to deal with arguements and disagreements in a kind, loving way. He must not ignore issues or avoid them rather than deal with them.

Am I being unrealistic? I hope not. I have never dated a lot (as a teenager or as an adult) so granted, this is all theory! But my recent relationship has shown me how much I truly desire to find a companion for life. I have been praying for 20+ years that God would either answer my prayer for a husband or change my desires so that I no longer wanted one. And the desire is stronger than ever. I have to believe that since the desire is still there, it will be part of God's will for me in my life. Do I know when? no. Do I know how He will answer that prayer? no. But I have to have faith. Even when faith is hard.

I have to be totally honest and say that I have questioned God..... WHY has this happened? And I don't know the answer. I still cry at least once every day over the loss of a relationship and a friendship. I still have lots of unresolved questions that I may never know the answers to. I have been hurt. I have been angry. I have lost respect for someone. I have been depressed. I have withdrawn from people because I just didn't know how to ask for help. But through it all....

I have been blessed to meet someone who really IS a nice person.
For the first time, I realized that I had something to offer someone.
I realized that I was not the ugly troll I thought I was and that someone CAN be attracted to me.
I learned what it was like to love someone.
My desires for a companion have been strengthened.
I can tell someone my secrets and they will still accept me.

So, for now, I have to wait. Wait on God's timing. Wait on the person God will send. Wait on Him....

"I wait.
Dear Lord,
Thy ways are past finding out.
Thy love too high.
O hold me still beneath Thy shadow.
It is enough that Thou lift up the light of Thy countenance.
I wait-
Because I am commanded so to do.
My mind is filled with wonderings.
My soul asks, 'Why?'
But then the quiet word,
'Wait thou only upon God.'
And so, not eve for the light
To show a step ahead,
But for Thee, O Lord,
I wait."
---taken from Elisabeth Elliot's Passion and Purity

But as I wait, I do not become stagnant. I actively wait, serving God as I wait. I build relationships and friendships as I wait. I make a difference for God's kingdom as I wait. I honor God in my waiting. I serve God, trusting that He will lead me in the directions I should go, trusting He will lead my future husband to me. As I wait, I stand on the promises He has given me in the Bible. I pray that He will search my heart, changing areas in my life that don't honor Him. Changing areas that I haven't surrendered to Him.

Lord,
Help me to become the person that you desire for me to be. Help me to shed the shackles of doubt and lack of confidence. Release me from my selfishness and help me to see Your plan for my life. Forgive my lack of faith and hope in Your will for me. Give me courage to meet other believers. Mold me into the woman You desire for me to be. Change my mindset so that I am looking to You and seeking Your guidance. Help me to see that You have ultimate control and help me to trust You. Speak to me so that I may hear Your plan. Bless my hopes and wishes and change my desires that don't honor You. I have faith and trust in You. Amen.

When You Don't Know WHAT To Do.....

Ever feel stuck? In a rut? In your own thinking? Feel like your life is a nonstop cycle? This has been me lately. The same thoughts keep coming up and I just don't know WHAT to do..........

I need wisdom.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." James 1:5-8 (NIV)

Maybe that is my problem----- I'm REALLY good at ASKING for wisdom- but do I BELIEVE and NOT DOUBT? Sadly, no. Don't get me wrong--- I know that God can do ANYTHING and that HE knows all and leads us in the way we should go in our lives. So why can't I believe that He will give me wisdom for my everyday life? Is it because I want to always be in control? Maybe. Yes.

Like right now, God is trying to teach me to be patient. (And for those who know me well, you KNOW how much I don't want to learn that lesson!) The Lord has answered a prayer (well, shown me the PROMISE of an answered prayer) but the time is not NOW for the fulfillment of my prayer. The Lord needs me to continue to seek Him, follow Him, pray for His wisdom....... even if the answer can't happen on my own time-frame. As a result, I've experienced frustration...... WHY can't it be answered now? WHY must I continue to wait? WHY is this promise not a simple answer?

This frustration automatically makes me go into "control" mode. In my mind I think, "SURELY there is SOMETHING that can be done to hurry this promise along!" Which leads to dwelling on the situation, trying to "fix" the problem, and my feeling stuck in the situation.

THEN I make it worse by asking friends their opinions as to what I should do. Typically that leads to even MORE frustration. ESPECIALLY since God has already told me, "Wait on me. Be patient. I am in control."

I need wisdom. But I don't need to just ask.... I need to BELIEVE.

Father, Help me to not only ask but to also believe. I trust You with my eternal salvation. Help me to fully trust you in EVERY situation. Amen.

Worthy of Love and Beautiful

I want to be beautiful. What girl doesn't? I've always been a girlie girl.... make-up, clothes in the latest fashions, nails and toes done, highlights in hair, sweet-smelling perfume...... all things meant to "enhance" my beauty. And like any girl, I grew up in a culture that bombards girls/woment with messages of beauty... "use this product".... "be this size".... "have your hair styled this way".

And let me tell you, it's a crock! We are trained by our culture from a very early age that beauty has to do with our outward self.... how we look.

One of my favorite songs is "Beautiful" by Bethany Dillon.


I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me
Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart, and be amazed
I want to hear you say Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart, and be amazed
I want to hear you say Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful


Have you ever felt like that? I have. I think all of us desire to be "beautiful".... because we associate "beauty" with "love". IF the song stopped here, it would be sad. As I hear the lyrics, I hear someone crying out for love.... based on their beauty, the worth they think they have.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)

What we think of as important (beauty/outward appearance) God thinks differently. It is not our beauty that causes Him to love us, He loves us because He created us. He is interested in our heart-- our soul--- our spirit. He is interested in who we are rather than how we appear. Remember....

Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart. I Samuel 16:7 (NIV)

Thank you, LORD!!!! As a woman, I still want to be beautiful. But I must realize that God's idea of beauty is different than my own. He gives me directions on how to be beautiful..... the Proverbs 31 Woman. God's beautiful woman is....

• Pure- She is a woman of virtue (verse 10)



• Honest- She is trustworthy (verses 11-12)



• Industrious- She is a hardworker (verses 13-19, 21-22, 24, 27, 31)



• Thrifty- She is skilled with finances, She is able to care for her loved ones (verses 14, 16)



• Strong in character- She faces the daily challenges of life with courage (verses 25, 29)



• Kind- She is compassionate and brings words of encouragement (verses 20, 26)



• Wise- She walks in wisdom (verse 26)



• Holy- She loves the LORD with her whole heart (verse 30)

That's a tall order! It can be VERY overwhelming! But we never need to be discouraged or feel overwhelmed by God's standard for beauty because He gives us, day by day, a lifetime to reach it! Join me (won't you?) in whispering to God, pleading for strength- His strength? Because through Him we can become a BEAUTIFUL woman---- one who moves through the challenges and duties of life with courage, bravery, endurance and His power! WE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL!!!!! (We are WOMEN! We are BEAUTIFUL!)

And the song? See the conclusion Bethany Dillon comes to about beauty.....

You make me beautiful, You make me stand in awe

You step inside my heart, and I am amazed!

I love to hear You say Who I am is quite enough

You make me worthy of love and beautiful

Lord, Help me to be beautiful by YOUR standard. Help me not to become distracted by the world's idea of beauty and doubt You. Amen.